Functional Delusions

moved.

2007-08-14T02:42:00.001+08:00

i've moved to

aneverwheremuse.blogspot.com
link me. (:

chinese 'o's!

2007-08-13T15:49:00.000+08:00

it's a b3 yo! and i'm happy with it! :DD
i won't have to write a word of chinese for 4 more months when i reach jc!
so i've gotta read in the meantime.
shizz.
hope everyone out there did to your expectations! (:

random shizz.

2007-08-12T04:29:00.000+08:00

Page 2

Page 3

came up with something while taking a mugging break. i can't play it myself though, for the sweep-picked arpeggio part. and i just clipped my callouses off so i won't be tempted to play. yep! try it out, if you want a computer generated recording of it or the gp tab, tell me.

i'm back on hiatus. again.

of rapture, woe and disquiet.

2007-08-06T04:07:00.000+08:00

before i go on hiatus, i just heard this rumour.

CHINESE O LEVEL RESULTS ARE OUT LATER TODAY.
LIKE BLAH OMGWTFBBQ.

damn. i hope i get higher at least a b3, and NOT have to sit for the re-examination.

the other day, i brought my acoustic to while away time during the quarantine after the bio practical. somewhere along the way after edwin borrowed it, it landed in the hands of someone who's been hiding his talent alll this long long long while. EDWARD! we sang songs to him, and he just put chords to it immediately! wonderwall, toxic (by britney!), power rangers! (HAHA), and a few other japanese rock songs from gundam seed, and so on and so forth. he also did a totally impromptu and improvised verison of the school rally and majulah singapura. not only that, he doesn't just play chords, he fits in his own transitions in between chords. the best part? he can't read tabs! dong, hyo, julian, jethro, i and a few others were pretty darn inspired. he's only picked it up a year more than me, but i think i'd take a decade to catch up la! he's got a damn keen and sharp ear! and he knows his scales and chords damn bloody well!

anyway, one last thing before i try making my disappearance, if anyone has pictures of AP, of the band, do send it to me, especially if its of the pre-parade segment, salutes involving the pipers and buglers, handing over of command, march past, and the march led by dominic. :D i've compiled about 30 or so from glen and a few others.

food for thought from julian's blog which i thought is really pertinent (note the present tense):

For the most part of our lives, i think people over-react. Things aren't
always as bad as they seem and we content ourselves with things the way they
are. After a while we think its part of our personality to deal with shit the
way we do and we blame everyone around us when really, we brought it upon
ourselves. Hardly do people ever stop and think to themselves, 'I could be
happy. So much happier and so much more.' So let me ask you, why can't you just
be happy? Why can't the world? And you think you're cool that way.

I was just thinking about Peer Support in SJI and how we've wanted to
do so much and yet we keep falling short not because we don't try but rather,
because its so impractical. Seriously, if you look at leadership here, we're
heading for nowhere. Service? Nonsense. Faith? What faith. Community? We're so
exclusive sometimes. And if you compare us to other people, i honestly think
that more often than not, they've got it right. We haven't. I look at some
people in our school and i think to myself, these aren't josephians. They're
just people who happen to go to the same school as me.

I have a theory. Going to SJI doesn't make you Josephian. Its
what you do that does.

Before i go, here's some pictures of AP, i know, a month late, but better late than never.

I think i'm gonna be mighty tempted to blog when i'm bored. alright, time to finish my lla journal.

hiatus.

2007-08-05T13:45:00.000+08:00

"I wonder sometimes if seeing would make honey taste sweeter, lavender smell richer, the sun feel warmer"

2 and a half week to prelims, can't say i'm ready but ah, break a leg.

Hiatus until then.

ciao.

ah, breeding!

2007-08-02T23:36:00.000+08:00

There's this place called Tidbinbilla Nature Reserve, in Australia, home to the largest marsupials, the Big Reds - kangaroos. So this was part of the IJTP comprehension we did in class, and there's this sentence,

"More water and more food stimulated the reds to breed."

So I asked Gabriel, "There's that mean you feel the need to breed Gabriel?"

Gabriel, with tons of sarcasm, said, "Do YOU want to breed with me Ian?"

:D Right, so before you get the wrong idea I'm gay, I'm not, and I DO NOT LIKE BEEF JERKY.

Anyway, biology practical tmr, chemistry practical was good, and i should be finished with A and E maths by next week.

Oh, and I've pretty much decided I'll come back to help the SJIMB as an alumni as often as I can next year. I'm banking on the fact that things will change, or rather roles will change.
Sec 4s, anyone interested?

I need a nose transplant. Sinus is really making me feel shitty.

And there's this paradox. Those against discrimination based on sex and race inevitably, discriminate the pepertrators. Hmm.

New blog song, which hyoseok introduced me too. Thanks hyo! Yeah, the lead singer has a really soothing voice, I like their style too!

Eisley - I Wasn't Prepared
Oh, when the day is blue
I'll sit here wondering about you
And how the pollen fell
All around your face in strange yellow patterns

But, i wasn't prepared for this
Oh, i wasn't prepared for this

When the morning came
The bees flew down and
Wrapped themselves around me
And that's when i spoke the word
To have them trace your face for me in pollen

But, i wasn't prepared for this
Oh, i wasn't prepared for this

Come, come back to me, my, my darling
Come, come back to me, my, my darling

I wasn't prepared for this
Oh, i wasn't prepared for this

When the day is blue
I'll sit here wondering about you

Night.

dread.

2007-07-29T23:32:00.000+08:00

i dread going to school somedays nowadays.
take a test or two, or maybe even three everyday.
go home, mug your ass off.

quite the life i thought i'd be signing up for, but not one i'm really desiring now.
so maybe i'll mug hard after all, and get all my 8a1s (excluding chinese),
get labeled as an 'achiever', land myself in a good junior college,

study.

2 year respite in the army

get a place in one of the universities in the ivy league.

study.

come out, get a job that pays well.

and that would be the oh-so desirably singaporean way to start one's career.

achieve when you're young only to get into the rat race when you're older.
and if you ever win the race, you're still a rat.

doctor - could join them, but i won't be able to stand being a gp cooped up in a clinic room all day.
i don't really want to see innards and all and cut them up.
curious, but no.
psychologist - nah-uh, might end up seeing one.
philosopher - hah. in singapore?
theologist - cue being a priest.
teacher - maybe, but i don't know if i want to commit my whole life to a bunch of seeming ingrates who will appreciate you only a whole lot later (that's if you teach well).

whatever it is, my image of a profession in my mind now, is really nowhere near an office, nowhere near lots of numbers and graphs, just somewhere doing something that's beneficial to someone else.

maybe in africa as a doctor. then i wouldn't have to be cooped up in a room.
and i'd be helping someone at least.

and the reason why i'm probably ranting is probably 'cause i just finished a whole week of tests and tomorrow i've got a chem mock paper, and a history test. stupid of me not to take some form of lit.

so conclusion, i could take the oft-taken route: mug hard, get into a good jc, consider purpose in society later, all singaporean society expects you to do now is get good grades, and it's a bonus if you do well in cca too, double bonus if you actually do community work of your own accord regularly. eventually end up in a well-paying job in the private sector.

or i could mug hard selectively, get into a jc i want. eventually end up somewhere that shows la salle's ideals have rubbed off on me. or, be an author/teacher. so yes getting a distinction gives me a broad-based education that gives me many chances in jc, but here's the thing, i've come to a point where if i can do what i love, i'm happy.

oh, and moonlight as an amateur musician.

sweet. (:

but until then, sleep then mugging.
waking up in the early morning to mug.

night.

in which Ian rants on about gray afternoons, and chilly nights.

2007-07-29T14:30:00.000+08:00

right. so it's been raining non-stop these few days.
and i love the weather, but somehow it's not really conducive for studying.

all you wanna do is sleep.

right.

those of you who know me well will know i can be quite absent-minded and muddle-headed.

but there are times i seem as if i don't remember something, but i do.
there are times when i seem as if i don't care or bother, but i do.
there are times when i seem something i'm not.

we all put on facades, just a matter of how opaque or transparent they are.
we need our facades sometimes, it would be brutally honest to just tear them down.
nice, but naive.

anyway, the sec 4s aren't allowed to step foot in the bandroom anymore. i haven't been there in a while, but yeah. a part of your almost daily routine gone again. it's like a vacuum, that you can only try to fill up with mugging? only it's not as fulfilling.

my guitar's gone for the week for servicing.
gonna set me back $180. the neck's warped, and the general setupb basically is screwed.
so yeah the guy at guitar connection's gonna heat the neck and do a general setup.
floyd roses are pesky. bah.

and imagine! i'm stuck with only my acoustic for a week.
like the horror of horrors!
but anyway, i'll try this really nice song caleld Rylynn by Andy McKee which julian introduced to me.
the intro mostly anyway.

Good Morning Singapore.

2007-07-26T04:12:00.001+08:00

In about two hours, you'll awake like a miniature dragon, waking from a half-slumber that occurs every night.

Made in China alarm clocks with unheard of brand names will wake you, stoking the gentle embers of an eager, ever-ready, hardworking, and kiasu population just rising from their nightly reverie.

After their piously kept to morning grooming routines, they will start filling onto the streets, flashing cards, boarding buses, taking trains, chasing Father Time and cars, as he whisks them ever closer to their morning deadlines.

Hi Singapore your day is just about to begin, you've barely started the day's battle, getting onto your choice of transport, procuring a seat, getting on time, surviving the hustle. I wish you all the best with all the stress. Today like every other day, you'll battle sloth, hunger, conceit, discourtesy, and tiredness, valiantly, like a shining knight in urban armour.

But, I hope you know that everyday, every instant, there is someone dying, someone hungry, someone contemplating the knife or drop, someone, worrying, someone praying, trees burning, animals going extinct.

Singapore, I hope in all your hustle and bustle, you never, ever lose sight of what's so dear and important. I hope you remain competitive, I hope you remain sensitive. While you fight today's paperwork, while you fight with other people, there are other people fighting mortal battles, and internal wars, fighting for their rights, fighting for their continued survival and existence.

Good morning Singapore, at least you don't wake up to the smell of ashes.

Wake up, wake up, and smell the sweet sweet roses.

grey area.

2007-07-25T23:47:00.000+08:00

here's what navin said to rubegan the other day,

"you stupid black!"

go figure, its like pot calling the kettle...

nevermind.

anyway, found this in my archives.

was taken at majodi in june. i think it's quite cool (:

2 1/2 hrs ahead of the anthem

2007-07-25T03:42:00.000+08:00

insomnia hit again.

so i'm up trying to make some sense of what life is about now.

which is mainly mugging.

feels kinda empty with nothing to worry about band.

just really humid, and sometimes overcast afternoons spent studying.

and really cold evenings still spent studying.

flu medicine knocked me out just now from 6-9, that's why i'm still awake.

it's like slumber pulling down real heavy on your eyelids, but you're denied true REM sleep.

your mind's too alert, lucid, active.

so having the flu puts out any exercise for another week.

i'm guessing those hour long rides at 70% intensity last week really lowered my immunity,

coupled with the fact i don't get enough rest.

i won't be getting the les paul from hashnul after all,

but he promised me a similar deal, yeah, anyway some other guy's offering a higher price.

i'm getting scared. o levels are really near now, and i haven't really got down to hardcore revision yet.

and if, if, i don't get to the jc of my choice, i'll be quite disappointed.

but then again sji wasn't my choicest pick of a secondary school,

but look where i am now,

josephian and loving it.

i'd like to do more during these afternoons,

study at exotic places.

maybe i'll try the zoo one day,

maybe even chinatown.

see how la.

then again, the most exotic i might get is orchard library.

bah. tell me if you think of anything else!

zachary, wong and mel: so what will the drink be? but please not in school la!

glen: we're thinking of a chalet, haha

sam: yep yep soon soon!

swansong's epilogue.

2007-07-22T21:44:00.000+08:00

yesterday marked the last time the sec 4s will perform in the main band.
and i cannot describe in the space of a paragraph the experience we had these past four years.

we went through so much, and i wouldn't have had the 4 years any other way, and with any other people.

wong, zhibin, leong, lucas, dong, zachary, melvin, mong, ibrahim, aaron, jeremy, pingyi, zhixiong, xueyu, mark, brent, hilary, ian lee, samuel, xianfong and even though we didn't spend as much time with you colin, osman, karthik, and wilson.

thank you guys so much! (:

renaissance might have belonged more to all 50 years of bandsmen, and not mainly the current band this year, but it was one to remember.

really proud of us, we played really well. and to the alumni, excellent job!

to the juniors of the sjimb, i could not have asked for better juniors. from your laughs, to the times we had to scold you, i've seen you guys grow from strength to strength, pass on the passion, and never forget what's so important about being bandsmen: the music, camaraderie, and loyalty. i'm sure you guys will bring the band to greater heights (:

to the teachers of the sjimb, your guidance and support really did wonders for us, especially on concert day.

to mr colin lai, thank you for your really grand and kind intentions for the band, but no thank you for the many things i will not mention here.

to sji's secondary 1s and 2s, you guys have a lot of growing up to do. your ignorant and inconsiderate behaviour yesterday really marred sji's reputation yesterday.

to all the peeps who came down to support. THANK YOU SO MUCH (: the lltc and 431 people for the idiotic but fantastic picture frame (I STILL DO NOT LIKE BEEF JERKY), you guys really amde my day. eugene for the penguin! samb, pinru, kiawoon, and grace for the flowers. and samb again for the drawing of francesca the horn!

to everyone who made renaissance possible. thank you (:

sec 4s! steamboat at bandcamp ah!

2007-07-18T23:12:00.000+08:00

i'm not very happy.

in fact i'm quite pissed with the state of things.

so i shall go listen to the beatles,
and try to decipher binomial theorem,
and start mugging.

i'd really like to thank singapore for introducing such an elite and meritocratic education system which forces you to mug like a machine at night, and to act like a zombie during school hours.
ironic.

i think the seab has fantastic ability to schedule exams. my history 2138 and chemistry o lvls both start at 14:30hrs on the 24th of october.

THANK YOU SEAB.

good night offbeat world.
i'm quite sick of you.

3 days to renaissance,
37 days to prelims,
96 days to o levels.

the answer.

2007-07-18T19:09:00.000+08:00

i always wondered why there was a lack of regular, committed alumni coming back to help.

and now i find myself in the same position, asking myself whether i'll come back to help after i graduate.

i know the answer why now. don't have to look far.

Pitch black of night, and a song alone.

2007-07-15T22:02:00.000+08:00

i've been writing again during breaks in between studying. this piece of fiction is one of them.

***

Slowly, very slowly, Julian made a meandering way through the evening crowd.

The air was light and cool. The night was dark, and the sky littered with little gems.

Julian thought, if he did what he planned to out in the open, the only spectators he would have would be his sidereal friends, smiling down on him. It was a romantic, if not silly thought.

He stepped into the orange-yellow lit coffeeshoppe. His eyes darted around the place, trying to find a warm, private corner. He found one.

It was now 7.30. Desirae was going to be there in fifteen minutes. Julian glanced at his watch, then took out his iPod, and checked again for the fourth time whether the song had been transfered properly, and thankfully, it was there.

Julian got up, left his bag behind, and got himself a mocha frappe.

***

He sat down, slowly savouring the saccharine sweet drink. Coffee was good, it made his shoulders drop the tension, but kept his mind awake.

'This is it', he thought.

Never in his life, had Julian attempted something so outrightly bold, passionate, and well, so coy and forthcoming at the same time. He was confident, but never with the girls he liked previously.

He was not sure, yet, he was confident, this night, he would whisk her heart to a different place. Somewhere beside him, he wouldn't have it any other way, the least in some foreign city twelve hours away.

***

Desirae stepped in, framed fringe, flowing shoulder-length hair, black tee, and jeans, shimmering invisibly from the other side of the shop.

She moved across the room and sat down, looked Julian in the eye and with a smile that curved upwards to touch both ends of her face, said, 'Hi!'

'What'd you call me down for?'

'I'll tell you later. Want anything?', Julian replied.

'Sure! Erm, get me a caramel frappe!'

In everything she said, Desirae had a certain ebullience, a certain exuberance, that Julian couldn't quite place his finger on, but had found he was helplessly attracted to.

He got her her usual beverage and sat down, making himself comfortable, with the small of the back in full contact with the lounge chair.

'So, how's the week been?'

In what was probably a singular breath, she said,
"Studying, studying, and more studying I guess! With Ana as usual. I can't stand it! You know how irritating organic chemistry is! They cover so many things. so many alkanes and whatever. I can't stand it when they ask those multi-part questions! It's so demanding! Pisses me off!"

Julian smiled.

"What!", she paused for a while after her staccato frustration with not knowing why he smiled. ' Why did you ask me here anyway?'

'Oh. That. Alright. promise me three things. Okay?'

'Okay.'

'First, listen and try to follow whatever I say alright?'

'I'll try.' , she chuckled in jest.

'Second. No cheating.'

'No fun! Is this a game!'

'Maybe.' He really started laughing.

'Alright!' , she chuckled again playfully.

'Third, if you break the first two rules, you owe me a forfeit, and I get to specify what it is. All good?'

'Yep. So what is it?'

'Alright. First, I want you to close your eyes.'

'Why!'

'Remember the first rule Dee.'

'Fine.' she said with a fake sulk forming.

"Alright. Now, I'm going to do something, and I want you to keep very quiet - and don't open your eyes. I'm going to place a button under you right index finger. So pass me your hand, "

he said taking her hand and placing it as if above an imaginary object, with her wrist touching the table,

"Okay, and when i say 'Okay', anytime you're ready, just press it."

'What button!"

'Remember, you have to follow what i say? So keep the noise down before you owe me a forfeit alright?' Julian smiled, without her knowing.

Julian took his iPod out, untwined the much-coiled earphones, stood up, bent forward and gently placed it in Desirae's ears, careful not to apply any undue pressure. He then positioned the iPod, with the play button right below her finger.

Her brows furrowed a little, and she pursed her lips in bewilderment.
Julian sat down again, hesitated a moment, then said, 'Okay, and don't open your eyes until I say so.'

And with that, Desirae pushed her finger down, and the playlist started.

***

les paul!

2007-07-15T00:16:00.001+08:00

hashnul's lending me this limited edition epiphone les paul until i can pay him.
then it's mine. :D
got quite a good deal! thanks again if you're reading this hashnul!

i finally got back my ibanez rg350dx today. i'm gonna have to send it for servicing. and yes, those are pink strings, which turn white once they're worn. oh well.

i'm gonna need a lot of discipline to keep my fingers away from the les paul, and i think i found my own signature tone! alright. back to studying!

give me books.

2007-07-13T22:36:00.000+08:00

so right about now is when almost every sec 4 wants to study and hit the books and nothing else.

and one week from now, the sec 4s of the band are unofficially alumni.

i was talking to mr sim today, and he mentioned how hes not sure two particular sec 4s will study once renaissance is over. main reason being with no band, they'll just feel there's this uncomfortable gap that nothing else can really fill.

for almost 3 and a half years, band plays such an integral part in your life, and then its just gone. it's a welcome break, but it's gonna take some getting used to.

i was reading the composer's notes for one of the renaissance songs ytd. apparently my solo has an underlying story. and it's about love. haha watch out for it! though it's for no one in particular.

on a side note, on top of all the stuff, i've been cycling (woo thunder thighs!). find it helps me hit the books quicker and for longer. when i'm cycling i only have three goals, hit at least 10km, keep up a certain cadence, never ever stop. so you just keep on going. transfer that to studying, and you have a somewhat crude way to studying hard, but refine it a little and you've got all the motivation to start with, all the chapters picked out, and you're ready to start studying smart. saves a lot more time. hate studying hard, love studying smart. think all 209 guys know this.

BUT been kinda injured and singaporean pedestrains aren't really friendly to fitness cyclists. leisure cyclists sure, take your time.

fitness cyclists? scum of the earth!
the looks they give you can kill.

in fact, one idiot thought i was malay, as people always do. so when i braked for his daughter and him to go through the narrow corridor, i stumbled a bit, owing to the fact my muscles were kinda wobbly already, and he held on to his daughter like i was the next serial killer with a novel weapon - the bicycle.

'LUAN LUAN LAI.' mumbles some incoherent chinese

EXCUSE ME SIR, WO HUI JIANG HUA YU! (i was thinking along those lines. i am not malay. i am a chinese-eurasian. i am described using the 'dark' in cliche tall, dark and handsome. of course i am :D)

and on another incident, one man suddenly starts waving his arms in front of me while i'm cycling.

SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN!

complete with exagerrated hand actions, as if i only understood greek.

as if that weren't enough, when i slowed down tremendously and cycled like an auntie past the primary school near dismissal time, the parents all stared at me like my bike was a weapon of mass destruction.

have had it with the over protection man.

oh and today i had a small taste of why that taxi driver in outram died. i tried evading a jogger today, so i cycled on to the grass, the wheel scraped against the side of the pavement since the grass was lower, and i went careening to the other side of the pavement, braked abruptly, back wheel flew up, i threw myself to the side and to the ground.

and i've got this effing bad cramp that won't allow me to move my leg. i let loose at least one expletive, and the jogger? to quote robert browning "God's in his heaven, all's right with the world!" and he jogs past.

sure, i'm cycling on a pavement that doubles up as a jogging track. even though the only thing that makes it a jogging track are the markers. im not whining, im just surprised.

i'm perfectly able to pick myself up, but if you had enough social grace, you would have bothered to take a look, not try to beat your previous run's timing. well sorry i tried not to interrupt your pacing.

anyway, i'm cycling at bedok reservoir from now on. i've got one deep gash from an earlier incident, and a broken toenail from the accident. grr.

night.

EDIT: it's friday the 13th. wtg!

breeze.

2007-07-11T00:32:00.000+08:00

so i couldn't sleep.
i had said my compline, laid my headd down to rest, and closed my eyes.

sleep decided to skip me.

browsed the internet for a while. wikipedia, blogs, whatever i could read. anything dry that could make me sleep.

still to no avail.

so i decided to go to the living room. opened the window to find the coolest and softest gust of breeze hitting my face. maybe hitting isn't apt. okay, maybe caressing my face.

could see tampines central from the window, far-off lights glistening in the horizon. a rutilant canvas littered with yellow sparks. many housing units, some lighted, some pitch black.

so i stood there for a while. savoured the breeze for quite a bit, thought about the year so far, what i need to get done tomorrow and in the next few weeks.

what i've been missing.
what i've done.
who i've neglected.
what i've neglected.
and yeah, you.

and the sheer amount of flats, flats and more flats just hit me. we're just part of one big machination that is society. you need to contribute to singapore's growth if you are to be valued, and there somewhere along the way, you stumble, pick yourself up, and learn what being a child of God really is about.

i still don't know if i want to contribute monetarily, or in terms of social/emotional/spiritual capital. i have no idea if i want a typical life working my ass, buying things i want, or just a simple life with someone i value, doing something that will perhaps help/allieviate someone/something someplace else in this world so full of problems.
right now, i know i need to buck up a lot in my studies. once renaissance is over, i get to kick into full gear.

and this weekend, i need to tell someone something important.

funny how i'm most lucid and most aware when i'm sick and resting at home.
or maybe it's just God's way of telling me to take a step back and take a look around.

oh well, the breeze and night-view was relaxing. i guess i can go sleep now.

night.

starlight.

2007-07-10T23:41:00.000+08:00

after a day of mugging, and resting.
i'm tired.
but i can't sleep.
looking like another fantastically insomniac night.

Far away
The ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

Starlight
I will be chasing the starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

But I'll never let you go
If you promised not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms
Far away
The ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories

Of the people who care if I live or die
And I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms
I just wanted to hold

right now i'm thinking this is probably the best song ever created.

half-alumni.

2007-07-10T17:35:00.000+08:00

2005
2006
2007
sec 4s saluting the band.

2007-07-10T00:38:00.000+08:00

fucking insomnia.
been trying to fall asleep for the past two hours, following on doc's advice to get plenty of rest.

as if it isn't enough i'm denied sleep,
i keep thinking, thinking, and thinking.

shizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

anniversary parade.

2007-07-09T20:19:00.000+08:00

i'll remember the 7th night of july for a long time afterwards. not only because of the song of the same name, but because it was a night to remember.

thank you sjimb. (: best ap of my life. helicopters, national flags, fighter jets saluting us and not to mention, incredible marching and rope tension drums! oh, and the funny outing afterwards :D

2 more weeks for the sec 4s, and we're more or less out.

then it's mugging time. i want my 6 points.

night.

my chemical romance?

2007-07-09T19:50:00.000+08:00

if there's something that songs have been writen, epics imagined, suicides committed and a grossly immense amount literature has been written for. It's love.

in particular a large amount of contributors come from my demographic - teenagers.

if there's anything so glorified, desired, shunned and misunderstood at the same time, it's love. what is highly prevalent on blogs, online social networks, and pencil cases around the globe, are open and passionate declarations of true love.

but what is true love?

personally, true love to me is what psychologist Robert Sternberg is consummate love. To quote wikipedia, a consummate love is the "complete form of love, representing the ideal relationship toward which many people strive. Sternberg cautions that maintaining a consummate love may be even harder than achieving it. He stresses the importance of translating the components of love into action. 'Without expression,' he warns, 'even the greatest of loves can die' (1987, p.341). Consummate love may not be permanent. For example, if passion is lost over time, it may change into companionate love." it has intimacy, passion, and commitment. (for more, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love)

or in other words, unconditional.

so when you proclaim 'i'll love you forever', i suppose you're proclaiming more or less that - unconditional love.

your lover without a doubt is going to give you more heartache, more trouble, and yes, more love at the same time too. but whether you can stick with that person through everything, is a whole different matter. and let's not forget that more often than not, teenagers have their hormones raging.

at a very basic level, infatuation is about hormones. no, it's not love at first sight, but rather your brain identifies someone as suitably steamy enough for your criteria, and starts releasing all sorts of funny chemicals that make you feel a bit light-headed, totally in love, and blush uncontrollably. one chemical then activates other chemicals, and yadda-yadda, insert-a-complicated-name hormone or body part, and the list goes on. before you know it, you're infatuated.

before you know it, you start thinking about that person, start fantasizing ('oh yes, i'll spend the rest of my life with you. i love you, i love you, i love you!' you're actually still talking to yourself), and start to make make no sense at all.

and then you start missing that someone if you two haven't talked or seen each other in a long while, and if you do see that person often you get even more infatuated.

yes, the chemicals make you light-headed, euphoric, and here's the overstatement of the year - content. why overstatement?

before long, those chemicals are going to wear off. if you two never got attached, good for you, you might see that person for who he/she really is. if you two got attached, welcome to the period they call make-it-or-break-it.

you're gonna get irritated with that partner a whole lot more, he's not going to please you a whole lot more, because his chemicals are wearing off too. and if you two somehow survive this stage, welcome to steady-couplehood!

those in it for the temporary happiness, way to go!
those in it for true, unconditional love for a life partner,
you have a quite a lot to tolerate. marrying your teenage gf/bf is quite rare.
if you're a guy, you're eyes will still wandering some place else soon enough.

so please, if you gf/bf dumps you, don't commit suicide, don't go into depression, don't start cutting and getting emotional.

keywords: puppy love.

hurt - johnny cash

2007-07-04T20:43:00.000+08:00

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right herewhat have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

just only listened to this song. really like the lyrics. i guess the psyche in the song is how we feel like sometimes when we feel despondent, and when there's no one around.

anyway, cycled to bedok reservoir, did one round, and back today. did the same on monday. will have thighs of steel in no time. hoo yeah! haha right.

advert time again!

Renaissance XVI Gold !
21st July
6pm, University Cultural Centre NUS
Tix at $20
Note: It's not free seating

In You I Trust.

2007-07-02T18:00:00.000+08:00

for those of you who are not comfortable with personal posts involving religion. please skip this.

In You I trust,
into your hands,
my life is Yours.

In You I trust,
I am your vassal,
my life is Yours.

In You I trust,
my maker, my creator,
my life is Yours.

In You I trust,
in the Potter hand's I'm molded,
my life is Yours.

In You I trust,
give me discretion & wisdom,
give me passion & fire,
my life is Yours.

In You I trust,
with You I'll fly,
with You I'll live,
with You I'll love, cry, hope and cherish.

My life is Yours.

choice.

2007-07-01T00:34:00.000+08:00

choice is a double-edged sword.
extra-personal counsel the only capable parrying blow.

so teach me, teach me,
how to flourish the keen blade,
with the deftness of an skilled marksman.

teach me, father time.

recently, i stopped being naive.
and one of the realisations i woke up
to one of those semi-lucid mornings,
where my best ideas materialise,
is that really,
some friendships are really irreparable.

how'd nice it would be to say,
'last time i don't friend you,
but now i frien you again okay!'

but that's not possible.
life's a bitch sometimes.

quote.

2007-06-28T22:32:00.000+08:00

I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Mad world

bored.

2007-06-27T19:47:00.000+08:00

taking a break.
then starting study again, and practising for chinese oral.

took a quiz i found on julian's blog!
damn funny!

ahah.

anyway today i was studying at food republic.
and i saw this guy and his girl. while the girl wasn't looking,
his eyes were wandering.
i don't have to tell you where too.
somehow, i felt disgusted.
seriously, a voyeuristic infidel.
doesn't mean you can't look la, but so blatantly when you have a girlfriend
and when you're with her?
shizz.

2007-06-26T23:01:00.000+08:00

i will use the computer for an hour a day only.
i will keep away from the temptress that is the computer,
and not chat incessantly.
i will study, and i will mug.
i will get my 8a1s.

i want to stick by this promise.

on another note, just finished dinner.
today was helluva tiring.
ap rehearsal, then stayed back for alumni prac duty.

bandsmen! just two weeks more, then no more cooking in the sun!
push on!

swansong's prologue.

2007-06-23T18:05:00.000+08:00

back from lltc.
and the dragonboating nationals.

lltc was great, just wished i had the time and less commitments so i could concentrate fully on it.
still think some things can be improved on, and somehow the sec 3s just don't realise the significance of the activites, mission, and journalling. at least most of them.

dragonboating was screwed. i think the organisation was very poor. VERY POOR. and communication even worse still, everything was done haphazardly and last minute. came in the last boat. i didn't like how we were pushed to the second boat, with only 17 members in a 24 man boat, and younger members. totally sucked. it's unfair.

at least training was fun. today seriously sucked.

band.

i've a lot to say.
but i'll leave it until i pass out.
i've seen a lot of things that need to be changed, but not now.

and to all the bandsmen:
your one month of training for the wheel is not wasted. we're merely moving back to the toe and truck to revise, once its good, we'll take it to the next stage, the wheeling we've been doing.

it is a very trying time, and i really need you all to just push through this together. make this renaissance good for all of us? no matter what goes on in the alumni band, or elsewhere, we'll do out part, and we'll do our best, because that is what the main band does best.

you guys will and should be musicians in every aspect, brothers in every way.
just this last stretch.

to the sec 4s,
we're all burning out. and lets face it, now we realise why we couldn't change so many of the things we wanted to change. we were doing it as one batch. and seriously, we lacked the support from above. yes, there's a limit to what a batch f sec 4s can do no matter how ambitious we are. our main priority is studying (well most of us), and we're still only students. despite that, i think we did a great job.

i'm not different from you, i'm burning out too. in fact i have to admit, in the few months before this, i was already burnt out. but i'm putting in my all for this last stretch and i hope you guys too. we won't ever be sitting together in the same band, we'll have nothing much to bitch about a particular teacher once we pass out, and no quirks in the band to talk about, again, ever.

i want to be able to say i enjoyed our last ap and renaissance together.

and the sec 3s, do everything you can to see beyond your own perspective.
that's very important, keep working hard.

EDIT: to the sec 2s, as i'm sure zhibin and lucas have already told you, and i have told you many times. you guys need to start giving it your all, and start putting in your commitment. i feel many of you are putting in your best, while some of you are content with mediocre results, while some of you just don't care. start taking ownership!

randombla

2007-06-18T23:36:00.000+08:00

i was just wondering.
if one looks at himself in the mirror.
whats the difference if he thinks,
'this is my body.'

and
if he thinks,
'this is me.'

it's not exactly the same thing.

anyway had dragonboating today, probably the sun getting to me.
i'm in camp too, lltc.
to serve my school and juniors.
but i seriously think some do not realise.
and they walk around with this haughty, cavalier strut,
trying to showoff non-existent biceps.
quite irritating.

seriously, just make use of the camp.
so much to learn, only 5 days to do so.

2007-06-15T21:30:00.000+08:00

it's almost a week on from the con3 camp!
missing camp already.
anyway ap and renaissance are coming, so it's busier than ever in band!

so let me advertise for a bit!

Renaissance XVI
21st July, 6pm
Tix at $20
Celebrating the 50th Anniversary of the SJIMB
We've got quite a repertoire and a few other things
you normally never see at band concerts
eg. Solo vocals with the band, Ocean Drums! etc etc

Anniversary Parade 2007
7th July 2007
6pm
Yes, I know it's the same day as Live Earth,
come if you like to! It's a pseudo-passing out parade, with other stuff and all.
And yes you get to see me throw my stick.

gawd. i need to get started on my homework.
oh, and i think there's this particular honkie whos quite, dumb. :D

dragonboating!

2007-06-14T19:24:00.000+08:00

today i went dragonboating!
had to leave band early though.

if you thought i was brown/tan/dark(tall and handsome! kidding) before...

i'm black now.
almost.

and that's me being an idiot.
bye.

con3camp!

2007-06-14T01:22:00.000+08:00

aye! came back from helping out at the con3 camp at majodi on monday!
was a really good experience!
especially with all the funny people!
eugene, sherrie, tsang, denise, mel, ric, matthew, russell, gladys, fonz, julian and all!
and my group was really good!
they really wanted to know more about their faith.
nicholas, timothy 1, timothy 2, gabriel, mark, loretta, nicole, nadiya, samantha.

all really good kids!
not that i'm much older but yeah la. haha

i might have been helping out, and not the one participating.
but i did take something home with me.

a simple faith is a powerful faith.
you need to be able to ask all the most daunting questions about God, that will really shake your faith, while still having a really simple but strong faith.

you really only need to say one statement with conviction when it comes to faith.

i believe.

but thats so difficult.
especially without any strings attached.

well, night!
will post pictures sometime later this week.
and i can't post the second part of a relic's sketch just yet.

hide and seek

2007-06-06T01:28:00.000+08:00

wherer are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to fall
crop circles in the carpet
sinking, feeling

spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first

Mmmm whacha say,
Mmmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whacha say,
Mmmm that its all for the best?
of course it is
Mmmm whacha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
Mmmm whacha say?
Mmmm what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling
no I don't believe you (i dont believe you)
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
midsweet talk, newspaper word cut outs

(hide and seek)
speak no feeling
no, I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a (you don't care a) bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit

jason becker !

2007-06-05T22:29:00.000+08:00

today's the time for...

spotlight on an obscure rock legend!

obscure to the general public, but anyone remotely fanatical about electric guitar will know him.

short history!

at the age of seventeen, becker was touring japan with marty friedman, formerly of megadeth.

together they were cacophony.

at the age of seveteen, he was playing faster than yngwie malmsteen or steve vai i daresay.

he was musical in the classical sense.

he's a beethoven/mozart with an electric guitar, with triple the energy, and with the distortion and overdrive they never had.

simply put, he's a bloody virtuoso.

he would have been more than a legend right now if he continued playing?

i don't know an appropriate word. almost mythical? i'm not exagerrating!

unfortunately, becker was diagnosed with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis in 1989.

this is him before ALS.

this is him after ALS.

becker cannot move his arms and legs right now. he can only move his eyes.
but he still composes! using special software designed by his father to detect the movement of his eyes. a movie is coming out about him called the Tambourine Man.

becker mostly focuses on composing and pursuing spiritual endeavours now. and hes proven a lot about what spirituality/a clean slate/mind at peace can do.

his ALS has notbeen stable since 1997, which is very rare for ALS sufferers. Stephen Hawking the nuclear physicist sufferes from the same disease, and he has to use a vocoder to speak. his voice is electronic.

if you're looking for something new to listen to, or just curious, give his music a try. not your normal contemporary fare. but worth a listen!

his most recent album is The Blackberry Jams (2003),
a collection of recordings made by him between 1988 to 1989

BUT, listen to his masterpiece,

Perpetual Burn (1988)

album art isn't very appealing, BUT yeah his music is breathtaking, you'll be amazed by what one person can do, and how many emotions he manages to encapsulate in his really sweeping wide arpeggios.

basically, give it a listen! (:

2007-06-05T00:03:00.000+08:00

yesterday i felt more alive than ive felt in a while.
sitting in a lorry cheering hail hail,
with the wind in your face,
and the laughter of fellow idiots.
that's something.

oh yeah, especially when a whole band from another school looks at you in puzzlement.
hahaha.

18more parades.
then we're gone.

Please offer this seat to someone who needs it more than you do

2007-06-04T00:30:00.000+08:00

Here is your typical everyday setup on your train to school/work/fun.

The train is a scene of ordered chaos, mandated by the gargantuan machination that is society. People rush in, people rush out. Sometimes, like civic minded human beings, they make way for those alighting. Sometimes, they just charge in like instinctive bulls.

Most rush straight for any available seat, especially at terminal stations. Any seat, PVC orange, navy blue imitations, tiresome green. Some like the corners next to those glass panels, to doze off and drool on. Some prefer being smack dab in the centre, admiring the scenery outside the window on the other side, or just peacocking any fashion sense they think they have.

What I really like to highlight are those corner seats that say,

"Please offer this seat to someone who needs it more than you do"

Now, that phrase seems mightily familiar doesn't it? Usually, that phrase despite its bright orange colour would have attracted no attention at all. People are all too used to its presence and its message, which, well, doesn't concern them. Today, though, I saw it, because I was stuck awkwardly sandwiched between people, leaving me hardly any space to move.

Usually, the corner is my best friend on the MRT train. I can listen to my music, read Sartre or Gaiman, depending on my mood. I can be totally oblivious, but that's the problem.

Here's a sign directly above my head, calling my attention to the crowd in front of me. However, I choose to ignore it and be in whatever universe the book and accompanying music immerses me into. (Gaiman and Muse can be quite romantic)

Without realising, I've become one of those associated with being the bane of society. Those adults call teenagers. Yes, duh, I am one. Those apathetic, self-absorbed brats.

In this age where collective care, concern, and justice, all those textbook civic and moral qualities, are reduced to obsolescence and debate, that notice to give up you precious seat, your precious retreat from the hustle and bustle of the wonders of Rapid Transit, is a sign of the times.

There is a pregnant lady whose kneecaps are probably about to crack and crumble anytime now.
Her back is extremely sore, and her mood, dangerous.
Most of us wouldn't notice, an even bigger crime then knowing and ignoring her.

Hate isn't the opposite of love, indifference is.

There is an old lady, carrying foodstuffs back to her humble one-room flat, or to cook dinner for her ever busy and tired family.

Do we notice her?
Do we ignore her?
Do we give our seat to her?

There are countless wrinkles, crow's feet, on the drooping, crusty and oily skin of this woman, hardened by life. Most of us wouldn't even notice this. That's why we won't ever feel a need to give up our seat.

'I'm comfortable. You're standing, and you happen to be old and pregnant. Thing is, I do not want to get out of my comfort zone.'

That's the exact same thought that goes through our minds when we hear of new disasters, new battles, new civilian uprisings, new insurrection. Except they're not standing. They're dying.

"Please Give Up Your Seat To Those Who Need It More Than You Do"

A plea to your chivalrous side, your courteous side, your civic-mindedness, well, put in a corny way, your love.

Yes, our comfort zones are important. Some of us need to remain within our comfort zone to retain our identity.

The comfort zone in question here isn't only a mental one. Take it to mean whatever makes you feel comfortable, mentally, physically, sprictually, emotionally.

There are people dying in Africa, from multimillion dollar pharma-conglomerates testing out their new drugs.
There are people in Africa dying from AIDS.
There are people in Iraq dying in gunfights, innocent bystanders caught between the USAF and rebels.
There are people in Afghanistan dying without ever venturing 500m from their town.
There are people in that one-room Toa Payoh HDB flat wasting away, slowly but surely. Their beds are filled with bedbugs, their backs are a nightly feast for the pests. They hoard their possessions, the only material memory these relics society has not forgotten but has forsaken can afford. Sentimentality is far too costly.

Yet there are also people taking drugs to make life better.
'I can't fall asleep in five minutes, I need pills.'
'AIDS? Isn't that what homos get?'*
'Ah. You should have gone to Paris man. It was so coool.'
'I can't wait to get out of my house.'

"Please offer this seat to someone who needs it more than you do"

Our contemporary slogan for apathy.
Any more subscribers?

The extremist.

2007-06-01T00:22:00.000+08:00

From wikipedia:

Researcher Laird Wilcox identifies 21
traits of a political extremist in the Hoaxer Project Report:

1. Character
assassination
2. Name calling and labeling
3. Irresponsible sweeping
generalizations
4. Inadequate proof for assertions
5. Advocacy of double standards
6.
View of opponents and critics as essentially evil
7. Manichean (bipolar) world view
8. Advocate some degree of censorship and repression
of their opponents and critics
9. Identify themselves in terms of who their
enemies are
10. Tendency toward arguments by intimidation
11. Widely use slogans, buzzwords and thought-terminating
clichés
12. Claim some kind of moral or other superiority over others
13. Doomsday thinking
14.
Tendency to believe that it is justified to do bad things in the service of a
supposedly "good" cause
15. Emphasis on emotional response, as opposed to reasoning and logical analysis
16. Hypersensitivity and vigilance
17. May claim
some kind of supernatural, mystical or
divinely-inspired rationale for their beliefs and actions
18. Inability to
tolerate ambiguity and uncertainty
19. Groupthink
20.
Personalization of hostility
21. Assumption that the system is defective if
they don't win

interesting. the bolded lines somewhat happen in sji. so are we an extremists community? sheesh. anyway, that's not the point.

Extremists from time immemorial, have either been a bane to the ruling class, or a magnet for fanatical supporters. Whatever it is, they seem to follow two concepts: Consequentialism and vigilantism, which combine for a very potent mix of chaos.

Wikipedia defines extremism as "a term used to describe the actions or ideologies of individuals or groups outside the perceived political center of a society; or otherwise claimed to violate common standards of ethics and reciprocity."

Vigilantism is present in anyone "who takes the enforcement of law or moral code into his or her own hands" while "Consequentialism refers to those moral theories which hold that the consequences of a particular action form the basis for any valid moral judgment about that action."

Vigilantism in essence is an intrinsically good action, there is no doubt that a vigilante is concerned with the welfare and state of the organisation which he is part of. However, when taken further, vigilantes often undertake unarguably illegal or controversial means to reach their ideals. This is where consequentialism comes into play. Their ends justify their means, which goes to say as long as a 'good' is achieved, any end, 'bad' or 'good' is justifiable.

Now, envision this, an extremist with these two ideas as abiding principles. What you have is a potent potential to create immense chaos. This extremist believes he is fighting for a greater good, for a higher ideal state. He is so charismatic, he can convince the masses, to take up metaphorical and fanatical arms to 'fight' by his side.

What is interesting however, is how convincing his ideas are, although it creates so much chaos. To the masses, there is a common vocabulary for this certain extremist and his actions. Wise, inspiring, thought-provoking, idealist, pleasant, and last, mind-numbing. Why the last word? Well, more often than not the masses understanding of the extremist's ideas barely scrath the surface, neither comprehending nor attempting to comprehend the full depth and gravity of his ideas.

The masses belong to an organisation, a community with a certain set of ethics, moral code, and rules. By default, an organisation usually has a 'ruling class', a group of recognised individuals who govern the organisation. Lets say the 'ruling class' decides to remove this extremist from view, or deny him entry into the class, to prevent upheaval and radical revisionism. What happens next?

Undeniably, if the extremist has enough charisma, the masses will be fully convinced by his ideas. However, bring in a few deep-thinking individuals who take into consideration the potential repurcussions his ideas might entail, and the true substance of his ideas. These individuals then realise his ideas, though grandiose and ideal, are frail. The ideas have no true substance. When put into action, they will ultimately fail.

The masses, unfortunately are still besotted with his ideas and this new leader. So the ruling class decides to deny him a place among their ranks. Two things then follow, the masses either comply, or they revolt.

Assuming they comply, however, the extremist will attempt to further seize more political power, so he can realise his ideas. The masses will continue to support him to smaller extent. And this will continue until the extremist is quelled, or gives up.

Now, a further consideration of the extremists and his actions will reveal three things. One, he believes he is fighting for a greater good. Two, he is the man of the masses. Three, he has strong conviction in his organisation, and only wants it to improve.

AND/OR

The extremist wants power.

Now a man with true moral fibre, fighting for the greater good, will not see consequetialism as an option. He will undertake all that is true and right, to accomplish what he believes in.

The man who desires power could advocate consequentialism, under the guise of vigilantism, and fighting for lofty ideals.

So do we always believe an awe-inpsiring leader who takes our breath away?

No. Just look at Hitler, and Mussolini.

Also, if you're wondering, why I'm writing this essay. I'm trying to prove a point. What you see is not what you get.

Never, ever, take things at surface value.
The human mind tends to be taken away by a good measure of theatrics.

2007-05-27T19:13:00.000+08:00

steve vai is seriously ingenius in a demented way.

the voice saying ya-yo-gakk is his son's baby noises craftily edited into the song.

and happens to reflect my state of mind now.

我真的要发疯了! 后天就可以把字典烧了！呀！(yay)

2007-05-27T01:10:00.000+08:00

everyone needs a little bit of silence, solitude, and stillness sometimes.
still remember mr ang saying that during last year's rme retreat.
and that's exactly what i need now.
coupled with sleep.

should be posting the second part to a relic's sketch after chinese 'o's.
sry abt not replying tags.
just really tired.
night

A relic's sketch.

2007-05-22T23:17:00.000+08:00

There are several forks in the road old people are forced down in this day and age. Let me tell you two paths they take.

***

The old woman sits up on her bed, plastic sheets acting as a panoply, clean and sanitised. He hair is gray, and the edges of her pupils are blurred and likewise, there is an omnipresent cataract. Her stare is blank, focussing on nothing in particular outside the window. City landscapes, skyscrapers, concrete hulks, they do not mean much to her.

Life is a B-grade silent movie. Her interactions with people are minimal, mainly composed of muted affirmatives or absent nods. Her own health is no longer her own influence, lovingly taken care of by the champions of Hippocrates. But they too have grown all but numb to their patients' silent suffering.

Her meals come thrice a day, served by a hospital worker accustomed to blocking out the horrors of life's end, a regular reminder of her infirmity.

The food is mashed - she no longer has teeth to masticate.
The food is bland - she has lost her once voracious appetite.
She is fed - her hands are no longer hers, they are beings of their own right.

Relatives are ethereal, sons and daughters merely a memory. Her prothalamion is a distant non-event now, her husband is long dead. She still wears her wedding band, testament to the pitiable fact that she is a survivor.

She is a somnolent, she does not recall entertainment's form or ways. She only pays attention to one thing now.

Every night, when the dark of the vesper seizes all vibrancy, ceases all activity, the Reaper comes. Resplendent in morbid black, clutching his ever anti-nascent scythe, he hovers over to the old woman's bedside, whispering,

"Come now, come now.
this cruel joke life plays
can all end now.
Those persistent monsters that gnaw on your joints
can all go away now.
That pining for care,
its absence an underscore to your sad excuse of life,
can all end now.

I'm not mocking you, I'm only helping you.

Why wait?

I'll take you in your sleep, whisk you into nothingness.

No more pain,
no more drips,
no more infirmity,
no more wasting away.

You will be nothing.

Wouldn't you love that, my dear?"

With that, he concludes with a gentle, spindly caress on her gaunt cheeks.

Her eyes sockets are naught but shadows, her emaciated face screams negligence. This could all end, she thinks. She contemplates accepting Death's offer.

No.

Her children might still come, she might recover, there is hope for a better day.

Death is thwarted. He is amused. He fades, warning her,

"It's only a matter of when,
you poor, foolish thing.
You already know the how."

Every night, Death makes his offer.
Every night, she refuses.

It is hope that sustains her, no longer life, or life itself.

She has no will to live, and life has all but left her body.

"What will tomorrow bring?", she asks, as slumber takes her to the land of dreams, her nightly fantastical escape.

Take me away, o' Mr Sandman.

to be continued...

2007-05-21T18:59:00.000+08:00

fug. got back my marks today. 13 points! argh.
elect geog was totally unexpected, mugged night before, and got 44/50!
yeah guess things weren't that baaad considering i mugged everything the night before.
english was good!
steam's picking up! should be peaking during o levels.
ah well, until then.
more work
byee!

litany of destruction

2007-05-19T23:49:00.000+08:00

(so) snatch the mirth from below Scion,
and crumble the granite foundations of sanity.
leech all joy,
suppress all relief.

this is the epoch of our malcontent.

the heathen gods devastate and destroy,
their jackanapes affront the populace incessantly,
like a mortal relapse relived too many times.

this is the aeon of destruction.

a society vitiated by desperation,
a people violated by hatred.

a billion conquered cries scream out,
hear our plight, hear our plight.
The conquerers holler,
What a sight, the hopeless crushed by our might.

this is malcontent.
this is destruction.
this is suffering.

this is existence.
so sigh the cries of the damned.

reconcile us to the the life we once knew,
when the poplars still had their crowns of green,
and mother nature's menagerie still roamed the Rane.

take away the nuclear-red soils,
the uninhabitable habitation modules,
and your religion of destruction.

enough of you toying with our minds,
of tinkering with our lives,
of subjugating us to your games.

this is our existence.
we are the change we want.
hell hath no fury like creation scorned.

***

from an idea that popped into my head while at the orchard library today.
borrowed a j.p. sartre book. hope to get to read it soon.

and chinese isn't that bad!
english is still way better though :D

2007-05-18T23:56:00.000+08:00

response to hansel! just a short response, cause i'm pressed for time.

suanning can really just be harmless teasing or really out-to-nib-at-your-insecurities sort of thing. they can really hit the spirit hard.

but still, suanning isn't entirely bad. considering how some friendships start by mutual teasing (for that matter even bgrs), it isnt' to be viewed as the bane of human interaction! just view it as something that can be moderated, just like the amount of skin you eat when you eat chicken rice! suanning is just teasing in a singaporean context, it only becomes taunting when you take it too far.

anyway i won't be posting much from now on. i'm trying to get an a2 for chinese o levels in a week's time, and i aim to get my vocab to improve by at least 75% (watch me! :D)

and i've got renaissance and ap to bring the band through. so yeah, will be very busy. not to mention lltc to organise too! ah, father time. so bloody old. but runs so bloody fast. bloody idiot.

bel: hello!
zach: hi zach! fridge! LOL
jon: ssdd should be a daily motto we live by. bit of pessimism helps curb the stress!
ed-t: thanks!
hansel: yeah true. but it has and always will be a mainstay of secondary school i guess. think its called ribbing elsewhere.
glen: aye, when you're more gan chiong than zb abt a concert it's a SIGN! and i donated blood glen, it isn't abt food, i have more nutrition then i need yeah! haha
wei Jie: you mean the record keeps on playing the same old brilliant song!
hwa: hokay! tell me your link in class!
mel: aye who you calling dumb la dumbtsang! i had stuff to attend to laaa
兰莉: errrr ni hao? ni shi shui? dui bu qi, wo de hua yu bu liu li (:
nictay: HELLO!

night. (:

Blow, wind, blow.

2007-05-14T01:19:00.000+08:00

Was trying to get to sleep. But couldn't, what resulted was a funny story, a result of listening to Queen and reading Smoke and Mirrors by Neil Gaiman. It isn't very interesting. If you have Bohemian Rhapsody try playing it along to this entry.

---

He stepped out of the shower. Drying his ash curls, he breathed in the hot steam. With a sigh, all the tension that had seized him during the day, was gone. He dressed, slipping into a pair of scarlet boxers, and nothing else.

He sat himself down on a sofa his roomate had bought from the Salvation Army. It smelt of mildew, mould, and oddly of musk. His gaze was blank, observing everything in the room, yet taking in nothing. In his chest he felt a feeling he could not quite give a name to. It was as expansive as one of those gray and dull exhibition halls, though this feeling not quite as interesting as the halls when they were filled, and had a rather structured feeling to it. At the center of his chest, he felt the expansiveness at its most intense. What was in the expanse? Well, nothing really. He felt, empty.

He shuffled through the magazines on the coffee table in front of him. Issues of FHM were scrambled with Lexean, Her World, and oh gawd he thought, Kids' Company, probably brought home by Marie.

Finding nothing interesting, he dragged himself over to the CD player. Scissor Sisters was old, Fall Out Boy was lame already, so he decided on Velvet Underground.

He pressed a faded black button on the player, another reject from the Salvation Army store. At least he didn't have to buy anything much in the apartment. The CD tray came out, with a queer CD that was still on it.

Must be Marie and her Schnappi again, Neil thought.

It was Queen's Greatest Hits.

That prosaic kid actually listens to Queen.

He hadn't listened to Queen in a bit, and gave it a go.

Is this the real life, is this just fantasy? The player crooned.
Neil felt the expanse in his chest taking on colour, an unusual spectrum of purples, and reds. Cadbury purple, Mardi Gras purple, Coca Cola Red, Blood Red.

Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.
Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see.

The colours began to take form, bright stage lights, microphone stands, rock stars in gaudy red tightsuits, Fenders, strangely coloured weed.

I'm just a poor boy
I need no sympathy
Because I'm easy come,
easy go,
A little high,
little low

He was at his very own Woodstock.

Anyway the wind blows,
doesnt really matter to me,
To me

Except he didn't give a shit about anything at all. Not at that moment. He did not want world peace, to make love or war, or to even care. All he wanted to hear was Freddie's voice.

Mama, just killed a man
Put a gun against his head
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead
Mama, life had just begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away
Mama, ooo
Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow
Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters

Neil pulled his legs to himself, coiling up like a fetus. He closed his eyes.

Too late, my time has come
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's aching all the time
Goodbye everybody - I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
Mama, ooo, I don't want to die
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all

Brian May starts his guitar solo. Neil remembers this. He's heard it countless time, and spent innumerable sleepless nights emulating the solo. It is fast, not blazing yet. The sound the guitar squeals sounds almost mournful, almost human. Neil is there. He's side by side with May. Every rise and ebb in the sound, Neil moves along with it. There is nothing else.

Repeated piano notes ring in the distance, and slowly, they seem to take their position right next to Neil, piercing his skull, ribbing it percussively. Neil feels something seize his body. He feels melancholy, guilt. His whole frame starts convulsing, and he drops to his knees. He feels inconsequential.

I see a little silhouetto of a man
Scaramouch, scaramouch will you do the fandango
Thunderbolt and lightning - very very frightening me
Gallileo, Gallileo,Gallileo, Gallileo,
Gallileo Figaro - magnifico
But I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me
He's just a poor boy from a poor family
Spare him his life from this monstrosity
Easy come easy go - will you let me go
Bismillah! No - we will not let you go - let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go - let him go
Bismillah! We will not let you go - let me go
Will not let you go - let me go (never)
Never let you go - let me go
Never let me go - ooo
No, no, no, no, no, no, no -
Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me
for me
for me

So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye
So you think you can love me and leave me to die
Oh baby - can't do this to me baby
Just gotta get out - just gotta get right outta here
Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
Nothing really matters
Anyone can see
Nothing really matters - nothing really matters to me

Anyway the wind blows...

Neil is still on the ground next to the player. His head and knees all pulled toward himself. The parquet is wet.

The next song never starts.

He remains on the floor, yearning for that expanse in his chest to go away. He wants someone. He doesn't want to do anything.

He remains in that state until a rapid succession of knocks in triplets on the door heralds the arrival of someone.

Marie comes home.

***

2007-05-13T14:39:00.000+08:00

ssdd.

same shit different day.
fuck.

and the rebel screams 'validate me, please'

2007-05-13T02:19:00.000+08:00

i just finished the book ping yi lent me. sick book, but reading it was worth it, had some pretty dandy insights.

everyone seeks validation. from the rebel in class who refuses to abide by classroom norms, the emo-goth-punk-fitinasubculture-kid, the gossip central everyone hates and loves, to the quiet introverted 'geek' at the back. everyone wants validation. a large part of our daily interaction is driven by the need to be validated. We need a response, we need a reaction, we need to know someone wants to talk to us, we need to know someone will laugh at our jokes, we need to know someone will also tease us when we make bad jokes. at a deeper level, we need to know we matter, that despite all our inadequacies and insecurities, we matter.

singaporean culture, or the world for that matter is geared in such a way that it highlights our inadequacies. we are compared to those better than us in a certain field. we are prepared and prepped to perform and excel in examinations. we need certificates, surveys, indicators of development and growth. why? we need to validate who we are and what we are doing. singaporean elitism is designed to eliminate inadequacies. in the process, we highlight them.

a culture where inadequacy is highlighted, i have no doubt, will definitely cause a society to have more individuals which question themselves and their worth, and retract themselves into their own microcosmic world. it could very well be their rooms, their homes, their classes. they retreat into a shell, until they can embrace that insecurity.

i saw this on hansel's blog. why do people suan? i think it can be used to hurt, endear, and tease.
at it's very core, suanning is a ruse to elicit a response.

to the bully who uses it to hurt, he wants to know that he is important and confident enough to assert a dominance over someone assumedly less important than him.
he wants validation.

to the joker who uses it as an integral part of his interactions, it's meant to show he's comfortable with himself (knowing he will get suanned back), and wants to endear himself to other people. he wants people to remember his humour, his cheer, his enthusiasm. he wants people to validate that he is worth remembering and worth interacting with.

to the friend that teases. it's very simple. it's a sign of friendship. you want to validate that friendship.

when that [insertasubculture]-kid uses eyeliner and dresses against the norm, isn't it just a really loud way of saying, "hey, look at me. i'm worth looking at. i want you to look at me and validate i exist, and that i also have a good feel of haute couture.'

and everyone says that, everyone wants that validation, unconsciously or consciously. and that need to be validated, comes the very factor that society tends to place a higher value of individuals with more talent, or more things that are already validated(ability to sing, dance, perform, rake in a high income, get the girls), and also always highlights everyone's inadequacies.

once we become comfortable with our inadequacies, only then can we learn to work around them, or work to eliminate them. only when we are truly ourselves, and confident of being ourselves, will people want to validate us. that is an tough but real truism. we must know our own value before other people will see it and validate it.

in a such a culture which promotes low self-esteem, and constantly conducts the metaphoric litmus test for insecurities, we need to find ourselves. we need to know who we are, before people do.

since Josephians are called to be men for others, we can do something else, when someone does something that says "Hey, pay attention to me" or "i need validation".

Do the guy a favour. Be nice, and top if it off with a friendly suan that asserts "Hey, you're my friend. And dude, you're so worth being my friend. Why? Coz God brought you into my life, and you're one of a kind (the more crude ones can reference he is the product of one unique sperm in a of a million others, and an egg)" Cliche? Yes. Intrinsically good? Yes. So why not make this world just a little better.

Just be nice.

and yeah, just to show how validation plays on in our lives, this post is also a means of eliciting a response that validates whether my opinion is coherent, and whether it is agreeable with the reality. yep, validate this, and tag. (:

2007-05-08T23:31:00.000+08:00

Song, from Pippa Passes

The year's at the spring,
And day's at the morn;
Morning's at seven;
The hill-side's dew-pearled;
The lark's on the wing;
The snail's on the thorn;
God's in his Heaven -All's right with the world!

Robert Browning

From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pippa_Passes%2C_Kentucky

The name of the town is a reference to Robert Browning's verse drama, Pippa Passes, which contains the famous lines "God's in His heaven, all's right with the world." In Browning's drama, Pippa is a sweatshop worker who works every day of the year but three. On her rare days off, she goes cheerfully about the town singing her song, containing the lines quoted above. The name "Pippa Passes" is supposed to be emblematic of the influence of unconscious good on the world.

i'd wish i see more of that.

2007-05-07T01:33:00.000+08:00

i was just talking with godbro.

and yeah we both miss 209 a lot.
coz everyone was really sincere, down to earth, there weren't any airs.

you'd think men find it difficult to say things from the heart,
but the guys from 209.
you guys just really showed it in your actions and words.
we both really miss that.
that's really how the world ought to be.

where you wouldn't have to read between the lines for every single damn thing said.
but it would be naive to believe that.

can't wait for 209 chalet (:

2007-05-06T01:47:00.000+08:00

i posted these quotes a while back.
it's from a book called 'the ressurectionists'.

"Coincidence is when God works a miracle but chooses to remain anonymous"

"Life isn't so much about getting a good hand as it is playing a poor hand well."

and i honestly hope so.
just a few more days.

2007-05-04T17:05:00.000+08:00

[edit: blogger kinda mangled the quality, will find post on photobucket or webshots sometime soon]

taken by zach

2007-05-04T17:00:00.000+08:00

zach's
zach's

2007-05-04T16:44:00.000+08:00

zach's
zach's

and zach's. (: just realised sji's very scenic.

2007-05-04T16:38:00.000+08:00

in vindication,
you feel justified, satisfied, and and that old petrified feeling goes away.

history's over!
now, time to catch up on SLEEP

♪ muse - invincible

2007-05-02T20:15:00.000+08:00

Follow through
Make your dreams come true
Don't give up the fight
You will be alright
Cause there's no one like you in the universe

Don't be afraid
What your mind consumes
You should make a stand
Stand up for what you believe
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible

During the struggle
They will pull us down
But please, please
Lets use this chance
To turn things around
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible

Do it on your own
It makes no difference to me
What you leave behind
What you choose to be
And whatever they say
Your souls unbreakable

During the struggle
They will pull us down
But please, please
Lets use this chance
To turn things around
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible

Together we're invincible

During the struggle
They will pull us down
Please, please
Let use this chance
To turn things around
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible

Together we're invincible

endorphin surge.

2007-05-01T22:43:00.000+08:00

just came back from running to jolt my senses back awake.
when i started studying again my mom said this:

"drinks lots of water. has lots of oxygen, which will keep you awake."

i honestly told my mom it was bullshit,

and she smiled!

ahaha.

phelgmatic.

2007-05-01T09:41:00.000+08:00

chinese mye did not turn out so bad after all.
i felt like i was writing some quality chinese!
keyword: felt.
the hall was really cold. got a seat by the window, so it wasn't that bad.

paper 1 was weird.
the gong han was okay.
but the bao zhang bao dao was weird.
i planned an outline in english, and the points were really flowing.
when i started writing in chinese, i just stoned.
hah.
so quite a bit of time was spent wondering how to translate it into chinese.
and when i did not know what to write, or how to write,
i ended up staring out of the window.

i felt like a voyeur.
saw the lower sec people doing their warmup laps (bandsmen walking ah! hahaha)
saw the office people walking into school.
saw the canteen hawkers,
and discovered that the western stall auntie is quite fashionable for a hawker.
but i think she saw me getting distracted from my exam.
so that wasn't good, coz i'm definitely not an oogler.
unlike some people i know..

paper 2 was fun.
i just did what i could with the mcqs.
and i fell asleep reading the first open ended compre.
power nap!
hahaha, woke up shortly after and felt revitalised!
then did the questions.

ytd wasn't all too bad for a chinese paper i guess.

hello mr choleric.

2007-04-29T23:57:00.000+08:00

birthdays near midyears usually suck.

but wednesday wasn't so bad.
yeah.
people remembered even though everyone's been so busy.
thanks (:
and the cards i received from my juniors in the horn section really cheered me up.
thanks glen and daniel! really made my day!

really seized the day on thursday!
godbro got me to replace alastair who'd hurt his hip, for the 2km steeplechase, on wednesday.
and i was quite jumpy, cause i haven't had time to train at all like i used to last year.
BUT in the end stuart, junsiew, jp and i decided to cross the finishing line together.
so it was fun!
haha the pool of water at the last steeple was damn cool.
four of us decided to wait for wilson from michael to catch up with us during the last lap,
but the fella was blur and sprinted off to the finish line without us.
heh, idiot. he said he didn't realise afterwards, so it was kinda funny.

i'd guess that's how life's meant to be lived.
to seize the day and face every taunting insecurity.
although i should just make the best and go with the flow of
things i can't control.
and of course hearing God.

of late i found that elusive voice of reason within my head again.
and instead of being impulsive, i'm rationalising again,
but i'm never repeating the mistake of being too rational again.
i know where that voice of reason is from though,
it's something divine, yeah.

i've been an idiot with some of the things i've done.
and pride prevented me from seeing that.
now i realise true pride in who you are, can only come from realising and admitting your mistakes.

i'm sorry.

chinese mye tmr. hope i'll be able to cope.
still got maths and humans to cover.
covered chem over the weekend, and more or less got bio and physics done.

That was then, this is now.

Purity of purpose.

Hard work
conquers everything.

Perseverance and silence are the highest
virtues.

-wh40k, dow

2007-04-23T18:23:00.000+08:00

when we march off into the rutilant horizon,
then marks the moment we pass into the vanguard of time,
when we pass through the same hallowed halls as predecessors of old,
when we say our goodbyes, and shed tears of excruciating delight.

hello father time, i see you've come to punctuate our toil,
and yet start us on something new.
you flow as time flows,
thus we are naught but a riparian folk,
hapless to control your Poseidon wrath.

do we beg a deus ex machina,
and hope for contrived rescue,
or prostrate ourselves,
to the temporal decree handed down?

2007-04-18T23:04:00.000+08:00

and the interlude of symphonia melancholia starts right about...

now.

gone for the midyears!
lotsa time to mug and stone.
byee

the day after.

2007-04-17T22:39:00.000+08:00

i guess the journey never ended, it's just a continuum.
on to renaissance now!

marsiling got gold, congrats marsiling!

the sandman graphic novel by neil gaiman r0x0rz!
the imagery's vivid, the themes are really powerful in a macabre way.
and the characters are teh bomb!

haha damn good stuff.
it's stuff like this that inspires other writers :D

more than what a medal could tell.

2007-04-16T21:52:00.000+08:00

we got a silver. (:
most other bands would be crying, and other people would be telling them they could have gotten gold.
on the other hand, the sjimb has all reason to hold their heads up high, and no reason to be sad at all.

in the past ten months, you guys have proven to be the very epitome of hardwork, determination, and resilience. seeing you guys do so much in so little a time, and doing it together, has been beyond what i imagined would happen during syf. you guys have proven that no matter what people say, you'll stick as one unit, and brought out and continue to bring out the true meaning of camaraderie - being there for each other no matter what.

people say our sound has changed. yeah, it might be less loud, but definitely, a lot more synchronised. during the past few months, playing and making music with you guys has been my honour and pleasure. every crescendo and diminuendo, every ritard, and every phrase, we moved as one solid unit. i'm very proud to say i come from the sjimb. everytime we play, and immerse ourselves in the music, there is one heartbeat, one music that we make. when 60 people manage to make themselves one unit, complementing eaach other, and creating one flow of music, you really enjoy it.

to the saxophones,
you guys showed us the meaning of one section. all the way, you guys continued to put in your best, despite melvin having your section achieve that unity early on. you guys were the first ones i've seen to be perfectionists in so fun a way (: you guys showed us what moving as one and expressing the music meant!

to the cornets,
one secondary 1, two secondary twos, 1 secondary three, another sec 3 that just picked up the instrument last year, and one damn good sec 4 sl! every parde you guys gave your all, screamed through your trumpets out to the esso mart, practiced daily, and went from zeroes to heroes. seriously, what you did was a feat, and for such a young section to accomplish so much, playing together hitting high notes effortlessly, going through running notes like pros, i think you guys rock!

to the clarinets,
you've got one LOL-er of a sl, a CAS with helluva sexy hair, orange!, feifei, natpng!, one damn smart scholar, and a comeback kid!
so many characters, but you guys did the trills and the runs, and all the phrases together. and you guys had fun while doing it!

to the trombones,
you guys defined determination. without fail, at least one of the trombonsists would be down every day, playing phrases mr tan pointed out again, again, and again, until you guys got it perfect. then on sectional days, you guys would always get yourself in tune, and playing together. you guys were like war drums leading the band on, delivering every oomph and impact we needed!

to the flautists,
y'all pulled through and came out strong! the three of you achieved so much, and never once let the small size of your section pull you down. each of you played the roles you were given well, and complemented each other. you guys have been damn good musicians! special mention to jeremy for overcoming his stage fright, and letting us hear your solo. seriously man, go get a life and stop thinking of becoming a **** star! go yong siew toh la!

to the double reeds,
you guys showed us where hardwork an get us. in you we have one very hardworking soloist! and a very chatty sl, who sometimes might have been irritating, but really provided much needed comic relief when we needed cheering up. thanks for the bullshit wong! gerald, your hardwork paid off, and at the end of the day, your sounded great with the flutes! wong! you got through the many changes of instruments, and settled down withe bassoon in a very short time. you defined how a bassoon to be played as the very first bassoon player in sjimb. you gave the bass colour and character!

to the euphoniums,
you guys waxed lyrical all the time and in you we have really endearing jokers! from start to end, you guys strode on confidently. you never let the fact that you were playing the support role downplay your importance. you gave the music much colour and lyrical quality, and in doing that a seemingly disparate bunch of people with very different personalities got together to make damn good music!

to the tubists,
you guys were the foundation of the band. every single rehearsal you provided a solid bass and overcame lack of experience to give a very powerful sound. you guys gave the much needed support and security the band needed, and indeed, it is because you guys shone, that the rest of the band felt secure!

to the percussionists,
you guys were the very example of discipline. you guys did everything you did with efficiency, and a never-say-die attitude. you guys as a section gave nothing less than your best, and nothing less than perfection every single parade. you guys worked out your parts, and perfected them before each and ever parade started. rock on drummers!

to the hornists! my section!
you guys worked damn hard and despite technical problems and a whole array that might have made any run of the mill section flal apart. you guys pulled through together! zhibin, you were the caring sl and best friend that chided the section gently or gave that quiet motivation whenever we needed it. all the while while handling the band's instruments and supplies. your music really took off too. who could ask for more? (: glen and haoteng: despite uncertainty and the enormity of the challenge you guys face as young horn players, you improved tremendously and really gave it your all! i could not have asked ofr better juniors (:

and last, but defnitely not the least,
mr tan!
thank you for that inspiring musical direction you gave us every single time. your interpretation of the music taught us what it meant to make music flow and truly play as one ensemble. the depth and breadth of the emotion you injected into the music was breathtaking a feat usually only grand scenes of nature achieve. you did it with baton, heart, and mind. thank you for making our music take flight!

mrs chua!
you might not understand this, so i'll try to translate it into chinese one day! you akways had faith in us, and never once let us cede defeat or give up. whenever we felt like throwing it all away or felt like nothing worked, you were there to provide the moral support. you used your keen ear to tell us which parts to improve on, and give a more lyrical quality to. thank you mrs chua for all the support and guidance, we really respect you!

the journey has come to an end, and it was beautiful. silver might be a colour less than gold, but you guys don't need a gold that what you achieved and what you have going is more than a medal can describe. look beyond the end result and see instead what you guys have achieved. and you'll find we have done so much. and done so together.

i'm proud of what we've done guys, and i'm sure you're proud too!
now marks the start of another journey to renaissance and anniversary parade.
and it's gonna be another one to be proud of. (:

"If I have seen further, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants"
and you sjimb, are the giants. you define what being a band of brothers truly is.

viva la sjimb!

2007-04-13T23:39:00.000+08:00

things seem so futile.
i started things i really believed in last year.
i've accomplished some.
i've barely started on one.
but i'm doubting if i should have and if i should continue.

i said i'll make the band more united.
and us sec 4s, we did it.
but at the cost of other things,
and maybe the rest of the band doesn't realise it.
but unity is a really precious thing,
not to be taken for granted,
not to be treated as just a commodity then can be gotten through games and etc.

i said i want to make the school a better place.
the thing is how the hell am i going to do that,
when i can't get my own work handled.
piss shit.
i'm damn stresseeeeed now.
i've mooted the idea of a less mundane student leaders' convention.
but i've no time or energy to push for it.

i'd think i took up too much, and sometimes forgot abt the more impt things.
yeah, the people around me.

note to self: whatever i undertake, should be for the people around me.

i have to learn to walk again before i run.
then again my parents told me i was running before i was walking as a kid.

bother.

2007-04-09T00:30:00.000+08:00

for the first time in my life,
i did not honour my obligations during holy week.
i didn't even attend mass once.

it's not a loss of faith or anything.
yeah.

if you go for mass with your whole family on sunday,
and have lunch after that, or do anything together..

be grateful,
even if you're the ungrateful teen too concerned with ourselves which most of us are.

be grateful,
because it's not a given,
it's a privilege.

2007-04-07T00:32:00.000+08:00

jeremy sent me this song this past week.
pretty good (:

tonight i wanna cry - keith urban
Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

Would it help if I turned a sad song on'
All By Myself' would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let got of my pain
To hell with my pride, let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry

2007-04-03T23:36:00.000+08:00

will be away for a while.
syf's in 16 days.
the trepidation and preparation has been undescribable.
but i'm quite sure we can get a gold.

mid-year's coming.
need to take a hiatus, to get my stuff right.
probably will be back if i get the results i want.

and yeah, i found an answer to what i previously posted.
the most pragmatic way to appraoching things now?
see everything with cautious optimism, and just ignore the dredgery of routine.
day in, day out, study study study.
sian.
but i guess self discipline is in order.

OH, and i'm gonna watch phantom of the opera this sunday with horn sect! can't wait!

wakes imagination . . .Silently the senses, abandon their defences . . .Slowly, gently, night unfurls its splendour . . .Grasp it, sense it -tremulous and tender . . .Turn your face away, from the garish light of day,turn your thoughts away, from cold, unfeeling light -and listen tothe music of the night . . .

woot! :D

2007-03-31T16:00:00.000+08:00

to hear old man pragmatism out.

or to be easily conned by naive optimism.

for now, i do not know which one to subscribe to.

2007-03-30T22:42:00.000+08:00

"I steal a glance and I find you busy .
How I wish you would stop and free yourself from that multitude of tasks waiting to be completed .
You are always surrounded by things to do .
An appointment with a friend , a deadline to meet , enjoying your time .
How I wish you would pause and find time to be here just to sit .
Just to let me know that you are beside me .
Just to know that I am someone .
It seems so much like wistful thinking .
You already filled your world up .
At times I even see it overflowing .
There is just no space for me .
I see my own empty cup .
Into it I sift sand through my fingers .
The grains fall like in an hourglass .
Time passes ever so slowly .
Yet I still turn my head to see if you are there .
I am here , waiting .
My cup is full , full of sand .
I bury myself in this desert , dry land .
I am here , tending to the sparse vegetation , trying to make good of this barren .
I have achieved nothing worth mentioning .
If only you care , I would pour out this cup of sand .
Empty my world and make it for you .
Still , I find you busy .
So I create a world teeming with activities .
Filled in time , busied myself to occupy myself while I wait .
I pinch up some sand and let it dribble back into the cup .
I grab a handful of sand up and let it filter back into the cup .
I pinch up some more sand up and let it dribble .
I wonder if you are busy playing with sand too . "

- from jon chen's blog, makes a lot of sense.

♪ Gary Jules - Mad World

2007-03-29T00:08:00.000+08:00

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dyin
gAre the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever hadI find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world

listening to this while finishing up work. good song, but morbid. exactly the type of song that makes you wonder why humanity bases everything it does on routine and competition. and even creativity gets routine. you think something, flesh it out more, then bring it into being.

think, solidify, being. repeat.
eat, sleep, work. repeat.
wet hair, lather, rinse. repeat if desired.
take nail, position nail, hammer nail. repeat. <a nail that sticks out gets hammered.>
learn, consolidate, examine. repeat.
fall and fail, fallen and hurt, pick up and learn. repeat.
think, write, correct. repeat.
speak, hurt, apologise. repeat.
hear, hurt, forgive. repeat.
argue, fall out, make up. repeat.

few routines i can think of at the top of my head. really trying to alleviate boredom.

today on the cab i was observing the wheels of cars. and i noticed very few cars actually have totally round wheels when going at high speeds. most of the wheels i saw were flat at point of contact with the ground.
looks like singaporean drivers need to pump their wheels more.
drive, deflate, inflate. repeat.

and i realise i watched neon genesis evangelion around the same time last year, in march. and it always makes me go into this sort of melancholy, and pensive sort of mood. has themes that really connect i guess, and very poignant scenes. especially when the characters do a sort of examen. yeah japanese examen. st ignatius would be proud man. heh.

night.

2007-03-28T21:54:00.000+08:00

first, tag replies!

jon: no la, just distracted. i find it hard to process electrolysis at 12.30 in the afternoon. NOTHING goes in. bleh.

weijie: haha yes i know what, uh-huh!

edwin: i wanna try it out too! but i guess that will have to wait *bother*

nicole: green's nice! josephian colour. :D

glen: she sounds like your close friend or smth. either that or your her stalker. HMM

mel: yeah the forecast was thunderstorms, better not to risk it. there's one artist called jekyll and hide, and think that one's punk.

qilin: hello merloin! (:

---

sick the past two days. went back in the afternoon to settle some band stuff.

heard my form tutor is pissed with me for being absent again.

well i can't do anything that i fell sick right.

i got out of breath climbing 3 flights of steps today when usually i'd be skipping up 2/3 steps a time the entire 3 flights.

you tell me if i'm fit for school. i went to settle the stuff for band coz it's responsibility so you can't fault me for that. if i didn't settle it, i'd affect a whole host of people.

if i rested for two mornings and didn't go to school.. who did i affect? myself.

i'm not trying to portray a self-sacrifical thing here, but before you get angry with me for being absent, do you think i would want to fall sick?

falling sick means i not only get behind in my work (and mind you i want my 6 points at midyear), i'm left out of the loop for a while. you think i enjoy that?

sure, being at home sloping around on bed is so much more desirable then going through seven periods of lessons in school hoping around different classrooms for different lessons, but then again who wants to feel like a slob and feel like shit at the same time.
i have my responsibilities but when i'm sick, i'm sick.
and when i feel well enough to get out of the house (and when my mom only somewhat objects),
i fulfil my duties, although i end up getting even more sick again. i somehow never ever get enough rest, and when i feel well enough i'm usually not even close to being well.
so tell me, do i warrant people getting angry at me?

bloody hell. finally got that off my chest.

stressbuster!

2007-03-26T17:46:00.000+08:00

The Heretic

And a conflagration was burning,
and the Heretic was burning,
his Heresy being set alight,
but his passion burning bright.

As hellfire consumed,
and normalcy resumed,
the Heretic thought he would be assumed,
to the right hand of his lord.

But, he assumed.

---

The King

A lone soul cursed to wander,
the value of his existence to ponder,
what God-wonder would break him asunder,
to be bound by Earth-under.

A lone soul once a wonder,
alas, now nothing but a spirit sundered,
nothing but damnation to be pondered,
and scarce water to be gathered.

'Fill the halls with merry and gold'.
Alas, now this desert is nothing but heathen gold.
This expanse is a prison,
the skies bring only one season.

No reason to live he has,
to Nether-prison does he belong,
a captive of no Briton.

He is free,
as his sanity,
is set free.

---

clumsy poems done while taking a break from class.lessons are seriously damn boring nowadays.
bother.

OH YES, vote for nat and her anti-dieting campaign at her blog!

2007-03-23T05:52:00.000+08:00

won't be around for quite some time.
extremely busy.

this is a very relevant song to the leadup to SYF.

This Is The Moment – Rene Froger
This is the moment, this is the day
This is the moment, when I knew, I'm on my way
Ev'ry endeavour, I have made ever
Is coming into play, it's here an' now, today

This is the moment, this is the time
When the momentum, and the moment are in rhyme
Give me this moment, this momentous moment
I'll gather up my past, and make some sense at last

For this is the moment, when all I've got
Oh, all of the dreams, this feeling it really, becomes one
This is the day, just see it shine
When all I've lived for, becomes mine

This is the moment, this is the hour
When I can open up, tomorrow, like a flower
And with my hand to, ev'rything I've planned to
Fulfil my grand desire, see all my stars alight

This is the moment, my final chance
Destiny beckoned, I never reckoned second best
I won't look down, I must not fall
For this is the moment, the greatest moment, of them all

This is the moment, never beyond
This day or never, I stay forever with the Gods
When I look back, I will recall
That this was the moment, the greatest moment
The sweetest moment, of them all

stoke the fire, reach for the Gold guys (:

2007-03-21T00:46:00.000+08:00

just some photos taken the other day when the t6 were taking a walk through the cemetary to recce the area...

i was doing the instructor's course booklet today, and a phrase hit me.

Rule by your mind.

2007-03-18T20:31:00.000+08:00

haha, what holiday?

turmeric

2007-03-13T00:48:00.000+08:00

it's sad when you can't reconcile who a person is now to who he used to be.
you'd try to accept the fact, but somehow if the change is drastic, it's difficult.
different thing for friends though, you'd be there no matter what.
yeah.

turmeric powder is frequently used in hot flaming broths; curries.
it is also a natural indicator.
turmeric turns orangey-yellow when added to vinegar.
turmeric stains on clothes are difficult to remove.
washing powders added to water which form alkaline solutions,
only turn the stain pink.

that's how problems are exacerbated sometimes,
by choosing the wrong solutions.
and they're not only exacerbated, they are glaringly obvious magnets of attention.
and the stains are born of hot curries.

bother.

the watchmaker argument

2007-03-08T17:58:00.000+08:00

♪Johnny B. Goode - Jimi Hendrix

when one looks at a watch,
eyes the many minute details.
the elegant needle-like hands,
the chronograph,
the moonphase,
the intricate finely-carved marks.
You look at it and marvel,
What a brilliant watchmaker!

however when one looks at the universe,
or earth,
eyeing the many wonders of creation,
from the microscopic flea,
to the larger than life elephant,
from a distant quasar,
to our very own sun.
some people say,
This is all a product of innumerable odds coming together to produce life, and a life sustaining system.
while others say,
This is designed, by God.

which side of the fence are you on?
are innumerable odds and evolution your watchmaker?
or is God your watchmaker?
two sides of the same coin no?

out.

r.i.p

2007-03-05T21:52:00.000+08:00

watched the ri-sji match today.

AND SJI WON!

which prompted one of the ruggers to say r.i.p..
geddit, geddit?
and it prompted 'l-a-m-e' from us.

had house cheering competition today.
and fintan got second la.
i thought fintan could at least get first this year, since it's my last year.
been playing second fiddle to lawrence all these years, damn irritating.
but NVM. fintan shall pwn all in the other events. well, most. :D

and finally,
it's mass swim tmr.
time to wear trunks!

oh damn.

save me from me

2007-03-03T22:09:00.000+08:00

ct results came back.
a maths, physics and bio came back first, and they were all a1s.
so it looked promising.
then chem, e maths, and elective came back.
i barely passed them.

so now ive ended up with a 14 point l1r5.
2158 hasn't come back,
and i don't want to see it anytime soon.
memorised both essays morning of the test, so i'm not expecting much.

english was quite cool this term,
yeah, guess the only thing i'm happy about is english.

[random] just saw the 300 advert, it's m18la.
damn shit. gotta find some way to watch it. i like spartans, damn cool! haha the way they're used to embody perseverance and strength in novels, and halo! yeah, they're just so...intriguing! haha spartans over myrmidons anytimee. [/random]

the way the teachers have beem emphasising the fact that this is o level year
has finally sunk into me.
and i'm trying to get 8 a1s. trying.
so i really don't know what's in store for the rest of the year.
what more with syf coming up. and the other events coming up.
it's not that i'm reluctant to see them coming.
i'm more worried if we'll be able to pull it off well, darn well.

but somehow the things that made sec 2 great,
are coming back to me. slowly remembering how i pulled that year off,
guess i forgot a lot of things in sec 3 while pursuing new stuff.
thankful for that.

and beyond that, beyond the the 'o's.
i don't know what to expect.
i still don't really know which jc i want to go.
and where i'll go after ns.

i'm still at a loss for what of career i'll pursue,
even after thinking about it these past few weeks.
i've considered teaching, and maybe even the religious life every now and then.
but not that seriously.
programming is damn boring, i'm not cut out for architechture.
do i really want to spend my life doing biosciences when everyone else is going in to it?
and can a writer eke out a living in singapore? doubt so.

took several personality tests for fun. and they all turned out different results.
i'm a entp, enfp, intp, and several others.
unreliable, just goes to show i show different sides in different situations.

i read the descriptions, and i think enfp or entp was most accurate.
it's a whole chunk of text so skip it if you want to.

entp
ENTPs value their ability to use imagination and innovation to deal with problems. Trusting in their ingenuity to get them out of trouble, they often neglect to prepare sufficiently for any given situation. This characteristic, combined with their tendency to underestimate the time needed to complete a project, may cause the ENTP to become over-extended, and to work frequently beyond expected time limits. Complicating this situation is their predisposition to experiment with new solutions. This makes them eager to move on to the next challenge when things get boring. ENTPs become stressed when their improvisational abilities are ineffective and they will avoid circumstances where they might fail. If stress continues, ENTPs become distracted and their "can do" attitude is threatened. Feelings of incompetence, ineptness, and inadequacy take over. They need to escape situations that are associated with anxiety is more prominent for the ENTP than for any other personality type. Doubtful of whether they will have what it takes to accomplish a task, they displace their fears onto situations they can elude. Panic, fear, and anxiety then block the expression of their creativity. Defensive phobic reactions cause the ENTP to circumvent achievement in other areas and prevent the success they strive on.

enfp
ENFPs have a tendency to overextend themselves in both their physical and emotional commitments. Their proclivity to procrastinate and to overlook details complicates their circumstances. ENFPs often move on to new ventures without completing those they have already started. Their charming personalities can show signs of irritability and over-sensitivity when their desires to please different people come into conflict. During times of stress, ENFPs feel alienated. They then engage in deceptions that serve to obscure what is occurring within themselves. The ENFP finds symbolic meanings behind the immediate circumstances. These meanings are construed as foreboding problems when ENFPs are under stress. Having a pervasive feeling of losing control over their own independent identities, ENFPs will feel virtually split apart by intruding circumstances. They will be "besides themselves" and "just not all there" — as if something, or someone, has taken away the essence of who they are. Not feeling like themselves, the ENFP will become subject to their own feelings of shame for being a phony, a fake or an impostor. If stress continues to grow, they may attribute malevolent schemes to others in order to explain away their fears.

so, in conclusion?
i think without talking sometimes.
and talk with my ass sometimes.
oh well. and i still don't know what career's suitable.

2007-02-26T20:26:00.000+08:00

rested at home today.
down with the flu.
sucked really, especially without my momobay.
which is my hdd that contains my music library. grr.
spent the day snoozing and studying chem.

great way to spend a day, snoozing and studying.
will turn into a sloth some day.
a snoozing and studying sloth.

i need to get out of the house man.
and run. can't wait to hit 10km again.

running's all about the drive.
you just keep going no matter what,
and have some private time to think things over.
and i think it's excellent cause it gives you that extra push to start anything.
if i can get my lazy bum off to run, why can't i start other things.
but then again, it all comes down to discipline.

discipline's like paris hilton trying to light a fire in jungle.
but once she actually does light a fire, it keeps going as long as you supply it fuel.

sjimb: you have the fire, you just need the fuel to keep that fire going.
we will get the gold this year.
con fuoco, con fuoco.

2007-02-24T22:58:00.000+08:00

to put it in the words of robert browning, we'd like to think like this:

God's In His Heaven, All's Right With The World

but really - from one of the opening lines of half life 2.

wake up and smell the ashes

---

the last entry was part of a short story.

heard some interesting interpretations, so really,

every interpretation is correct.

mine was that it was a man talking to his conscience.

yep.

out.

2007-02-20T02:24:00.000+08:00

so, you are continuing?
yeah.
why?
why not?
don't be an idiot. tell me why.
too much effort, too much time has gone into it to stop now.
hmm.
what?
but that's not really it, is it?
no, it isn't.
what's it then?
does it matter?
don't play the fool.
right. gut feeling.
no, it's more than a gut feeling.
fine, you seem to already know.
yes, but i want to hear it from you.
this is your demented version of prozac, isn't it?
interrogating me like that.
no, but the role i'm primed to play demands melancholy...

so tell me, why?
you sound more like covert ops, than a conscience, i'll tell you that.
shut it. why?
erm, okay. this is going to sound corny. but because...because...
why's it so hard to say?
because it's bloody corny. fine, it's that other thing that usually opposes logic.
be clear.
now you're not dumb right? stupid shit.
be polite now. what is it?
you're being irritating now. because, my heart's in this. alright?
it will serve you well. will you pursue this to the end?
and why do you doubt me?
i need not answer that.
fine. yes i will.
to the very end?
yeah.
don't you think all your efforts are naught but contrived mockeries of an attempt?
sometimes.
then why do you still continue?
sometimes i'd hope you were the dumb bimbo rather than a tiring unid.
-silence-
hate it when you do that, really.
-silence-
FINE. because i've got them with me.
right you do. but they're not always there for you.
they have their own stuff sometimes.
and you can call them loyal, stickwithyou friends, who were there all the time, whilst being honest to a fault?
i can't, not all the time. but that's something that makes us stick together, i guess... not like we were given a choice - we're human. we make mistakes. that satisfies you?
and being human is all that binds you all together?
no, being human, and all that entails. that's what.
mm. and eloquently put.
so what now?
you're settled, i've done my job.
yeah. realised, you stopped irritating me.
someday i should leave you without rational thought. without me, that is.
yeah, like you'd be able to leave.
what a bother.
haha. you think it will all work out fine?
no.
party pooper always, aren't you. stupid shit.
i look forward to the day i won't be abused for being rational.
but, it will eventually work out.
there will be trials and tribulations,
but you know your greatest obstacle.
yeah.
what?
seriously, can you stop asking questions which you already know the answer to?
no.
stupid shit.
i'd appreciate it if you stop abusing me for a while.
and answer while you're at it too please.
okay, fine. myself.
glad you know.
you're really good at this business aren't you, irritating people.
of course, but only you.
fine.
you'll be fine.
you think so?
yes.
i think so too. thanks.
i'll be around, as always.
thanks -even though you're an irritating prick sometimes.
and i thought i was being appropriately gratified for a moment there.
carry on hoping. i'm tired, going to rest.
yes. right, we will convene again soon.
seriously, just say 'we will talk' next time, okay?
right. till next time.
yeah, bye. and oh yeah, didn't know you listen to the pussycatdolls. haha, stickwityou.
i don't, you do.
oh. yeah, right. okay, bye.
bye.

2007-02-18T19:28:00.000+08:00

right around this time of the year,
a particular eurasian is rmbered all around this little red dot of an island,
and the rest of the world.

and why?

"GONG XI FAI CHAI!"

happy lunar new year everyone! :D

2007-02-17T15:02:00.000+08:00

i wrote this song a while back:

Come Alive

i was nothing more than a disembodied voice,
irritating you with a superficiality,
only lame words can offer.

i will come alive tonight,
i'll be more than just the disembodied voice,
in the inbox of your cell,
in the window of your chat,
in that persistent memory.

for tonight,
i'll be a person to you.
not entertainment.
for tonight,
ill be tangible to you,
not ethereal.

for tonight, will be the night,
i'll take your hand,
for tonight,
will be the night,
i'll tell you,
take back the hurt you've penned.

it is tonight,
where you,
will be all there is.
in this starry dark vesper

---

a lot has happened since then.
and, i've screwed up lots of things.
i've been thinking of what to do that could be a sort of panacea,
but i just end of making things worse.
and i wish i had an answer or at least a conclusion,
which i can usually come up with.

but this time it just eludes me.
and i know sorry is about the lamest word/panacea now.

i don't know.

2007-02-16T20:17:00.000+08:00

chai's back!

and was reunited with fiona today,
yes my lovely french horn.
gonna switch after syf though,
when the new horns come in.

isabelle's coming!
or at least it's isabelle until i change the name.

played my guitar for the first time in a month,
and the e string snapped.
can't try out you know my name now.
damn shit.

haha cts are over,
and so are the gawd-damned nights of mugging.
haha studying at the airport was pretty fun though!

suppose almost everything's back in order now.
yeah, almost la.

went lanning with the bandsmen too,
my cs skillz aren't as sharp anymore,
and my drow isn't as hero-pwning as before,
so time to play this weekend. :D

haha, out.

the hedgehog's dilemna

2007-01-22T22:46:00.000+08:00

i think, the greatest pain you'll ever experience,
will come from those closest to you.

take into account two hedgehogs.
it is a cold winter night.
they need warmth, so they try cuddling together.

once they get close together, their spines prick each other.
the closer they get, they more they get pricked.

the more they want warmth, the more they get hurt.

i think this parallels the relationships closest to our hearts.
you get hurt, you feel the pain, but somehow,
just somehow,
you take it in your stride,
and someday, you might just be the source for that same pain.

so really?
live for the moment, look to the future.
reflect, yes, but don't dwell on it.

when you dwell on the past too much,
you end up living in the past,
and forgetting to live life,
here and now.

2007-01-21T22:50:00.000+08:00

forgot to post this in the previous entry.

HOLY TRINITY CONFIRMATION
sunday, 28th january
6pm,
main church, 3rd floor

there will be a small get-together at my house after it...
so if you can be there, be there!
john paul, eugene, alastair, bertrand and i will be confirming our faith,
so yeah!

and lots of sji teachers there will be there too methinks.

SJI! (:

old habits die hard, but they die today

2007-01-21T14:36:00.000+08:00

had a very eventful week.
first inaugural service,
sec 1 orientation,
pulling one or two almost all nighters.
surviving on coffee fixes.
then sjii!
and sam's party!

damn tired, seriously need better time management.
sjii camp was good,
realised a lot too.
and met a childhood friend.
hahaha
quite a few people from st mikes.
got to know a nice bunch of grade 7s from group 4.
worked with gab and roth,
and all the PSFs,
really good working with all you guys man.

haha good week!
tiring, but good. (:
back in action in band this thursday.
and campfire on friday :D

you know sometimes, you always set out to do something.
but you never get to it.
you procrastinate, you alter the aim slightly,
you procrastinate again,
and then you never get down to it.

and i realised again,
all it takes to start is really just to say,
i'll do it now.
and then you just do whatever you set out to do.
but doing that takes a whole measure of self control and awareness.

i'm beginning to get that drive back.
thank you Lord. (:

oasis - stop crying your heart out
Hold up
Hold on
Dont be scared
Youll never change whats been and gone

May your smile (may your smile)
Shine on (shine on)
Dont be scared (dont be scared)
Your destiny may keep you warm

Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
Youll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Get up (get up)
Come on (come on)
Whyre you scared? (Im not scared)
Youll never changeWhats been and gone

Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
Youll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
Youll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Were all of us stars
Were fading away
Just try not to worry
Youll see us some day
Just take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out

furore.

2007-01-17T01:59:00.000+08:00

slept already, woke up damn early.
sore and aching, started doing reps again.

mm, busy week.
i'm thinking, maybe the whole incident was a blessing in disguise.
it's waking people up.

monday was hectic, and somehow every inaugural i forget something.
i just realised just now on the trip home with the usual eastern-ers,
that i didn't bow!
sorry!
seriously, i didn't mean to look dao or anything,
it's just deportment that's expected of bandsmen on parade,
and why that manner of deportment is whole other lengthy discussion.

i really have to thank my teachers for allowing me to develop.
and holding that gold mace was an honour,
and meeting with Mr Adrian Villneuva too.

on the whole feud going on...
i'm a neutral party, but i'll comment.
IMO, there shouldn't be lengthy discourses, or arguments,
on how to conduct a scolding or punishment.

you're a brother to your junior.
you care, you affirm, you know.
but you have to draw a line, and be firm,
for his own good.

but you'll accord him the same respect,
as you expect yourself,
and reprimand him with good intentions,
an intention for him to learn.

if you have no clear intention or directive,
don't.

you do no put down his spirit,
you only put down his manner of action.

push ups should only be used,
when you need to get a point across
if talking doesn't,
or as an alert.

but never use it to inflict pain in spite.
yep.

sji(i) camp and campfire to look forward to!

2007-01-14T17:34:00.000+08:00

back from a very eventful orientation camp.
and successful one too.

passing on the SJI tradition,
and as Zhenhe's MSN nick said,
'High on SJI",
seeing the Sec 1s cheering louder than even the PSFs and PSLs.
really, i'm finding it very difficult to put what i feel in words.

i really love sji.
i don't want to leave.
it's hard to believe how fast time flies.

SJI doesn't change you,
it just teaches you to work and to pray.
and all the qualities that come with working hard,
praying hard,
and playing hard.

i'll miss SJI.
and the SJIMB.

i'm damn proud of how we played on friday.
we WILL work miracles (:

Welcome to Sunny Singapore

2007-01-11T01:58:00.000+08:00

welcome to sunny singapore,
where human resource is valuable,
is just a euphemism for,
humans are a commodity.

work your asses off,
spend half your life worrying about bills,
interaction with colleagues is just something that happens,
but it isn't really the main part of your life.

work is dreary,
everyday you're weary,
and you're in a vicious cycle.

go to an mrt station and count the number of listless people.

welcome to sunny singapore,
where standard's of living are high,
but quality of life is mediocre.

we spend most of our lives working,
life's lessons are wasted on us,
we just continue working,
slogging,
and paying the bills.

worry about this acronym, that acronym.

for God's sake, even BIBLE is an acronym.

we forget about spirituality,
and sometimes even use religion to facilitate wealth gaining.

can i have a 4d number please?
what's that? benevolence? oooh, nice word.

here's bible quote [ insert bible quote ]

[sarcasm]
let's take the bible, and interpret everything literally.
wait, it was passed down for centuries via oral tradition, before it was written down.
MAYBE, just maybe, it got altered.
everything should be correct still.
oh yeah, maybe we should forget the message and spirit of the bible too.
[/sarcasm]

welcome to sunny singapore,
where sometimes we work,
and we totally forget to live.

come on now, put on a good smile!

2007-01-09T02:37:00.000+08:00

i'm thinking back.
i managed to run 28 rounds around the track,
and run in the rain till i almost dropped sometimes.

and to secondary 2, where the whole year, was just a lot of mugging and pushing myself.

i want to find that same drive again, that pushed me out of my boundaries in whatever i did.
i'm feel i'm lacking somewhat recently.

and, for the umpteenth time, i feel like closing this blog.
i cannot be as open and forthcoming as i want to.
bother, bother, bother.

2007-01-09T00:27:00.000+08:00

is our determination fierce?
yes? prove it.

is our oh-so-talked-about pride there?
yes? prove it.

is our camaraderie there?
yes? prove it, we have a whole lot of obstacles to get through.

is that conductor wrong?
yes? we have to prove it.

nothing else besides action is going to crystallise what we stand for and believe in.
somehow always falling short.
no, that's not going to happen this year.
it's not.

are we going to swear at an adult who knows no social restraint, and lacking in EQ, and be just like him?
or show it to him?

we have our pride, passion, determination, and camaraderie.
there's only one thing left before we proceed.
that is we go forward, and no one is stopping us.
no one.

never even attempt to cut off a lion's mane.

2007-01-05T01:32:00.000+08:00

my ~~HOT~~ friend julian wong jia wei is next to me.
watching me blog.
wanting me to put his name on my blog.
HOPING to be famous.

who's that blogging for ian??
so late into the night already!

HIATUS!

2007-01-01T02:05:00.000+08:00

this blog will take a long sojourn!

first term will be packed.
need to get my thoughts sorted out,
and important stuff done.

i won't be online for most of january.
have camps to facil at the end of each of the first three weeks.
then sec 1 campfire at the end of the month.
looking forward to it!

syf prep for band,
and the bandroom renovation.
more shifting to do.

of course prefects too.
got a lot to do!
during daily duties, make it LIVELY !
i'll try to put something catchy for morning assembly if i'm in.
heh, almost got scolded for dream theater.

last rant before i go:
it's ironic how people claim to be so mature, but try and 'flaunt' that maturity the next moment, saying "I'M MATURE, AND PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME SO". that sort of right in your face, give me attention and recognition sort of bragging. it's kinda irritating. i always thought the mature people i know, were very humble. perhaps of maturity is knowing that yourself, having humility, and knowing that that maturity has to be put to good use.

i hate ranting.
ironic.
i'm talking about that sort of ranting and bitching about other people i see a lot on blogs. you find a lot of people on the blogosphere waxing in their best lyrical manner, and then cussing and having long soliloquys like a degenerate idiot in the next post. try saying these posts in one breath, you'll get bored out of your BLOODY MIND. shit, it's boring, move on and try and live harmoniously for once man. then they start ranting about how they put up with people, but people don't return the favour.

WELCOME TO EARTH, IDIOT.
if you haven't realised, earth isn't a very happy place.
so do your part.
shut up,
and try to be nice.

never hurt anyone to be nice. (:

2006-12-30T01:57:00.000+08:00

new year's in about 46 hours' time.

this year has been like trekking up mount everest - only with 5star hotels set up by sherpas here and there.

i've made decisions to commit myself to responsibilities that will take up a lot of my time.
i've made a decision to make a change.

i've done many stupid things this year,
especially this month.

but a lot of good things have happened to.

next year's gonna be different.
i'm gonna be able next year, to look back on this year at this precise moment.
and say i loved 2007.

this is the usual summing-up post, much like a swansong for the ian of 2006.
i would say we're different people every year.
we change so much in the span on just one year.

thank you to everyone who has stuck by me this year(:

special shoutout to jpk! thanks for everything dude!

and to the bandsmen: thank you for making everything all worthwhile, just to see smiles and things working out makes our (top6) day :D and not to mention all the DMs teasing and burger-ler jokes, HEH. all the ups and downs, i've never been more proud orore happy to be part of a group of people.

the massing clique: it was great just getting to know you guys and CRAPPING!

and everyone else i haven't mentioned (:

exspecto infinitas, amo unus occasio.
to wait an eternity, to love an unparalleled moment.
a moment where i smile at everything in retrospect.

goodbye 2006!

2006-12-24T12:03:00.000+08:00

christmas is family time right?

2006-12-18T05:46:00.000+08:00

its 5:46 in the morning.
i just finished reading the time traveler by audrey niffenegger.
heard of the book somewhere before, picked it up at borders on sunday, and paid two dollars for it.
listening to Concerto in B flat major for Horn and Orchestra; the andante movement... bought it on sunday too, thanks to hansel! (:
features hornist Hermann Baumann, and various other artists.

i think i'm obsessive compulsive about books.
i don't stop reading until i finish something,
at least a few chapters.
then i drag on till it becomes the whole book.

finished mitch albom's books in less than half a day.
eragon in five nights.
the latest one in two days.
maybe it's that other-worldly quality books have.
they whisk you away to somewhere you're not.
and suddenly all the compounded problems,
all the nagging emotions, at the edge of your periphery,
cease and desist.
you're bound to the roller-coaster ride that is a novel.
and it helps when you're damn sian during the holidays.

the national anthem will play in seven minutes now.
good morning singapore (:

disappear

2006-12-18T00:35:00.000+08:00

the disappearing artist,
knows not the ways of being substantial,
knows not of here and now,
only of there and then,
elsewhere and other-time.

he knows not of being present.

he is an ethereal artifact,
with eyes all too bleary,
being all too weary,
staring all too glassy,
looking all other-wordly.

he is disconnected,
yet connected.
present,
yet absent.

his eyes gloss over objects,
but his mind fusses over scenes,
all yet to be played out,
but in his mind's eye.

he is the master of the future,
but becomes the slave when,
that future,
does arrive.

he, the disappearing artist,
knows all too well,
what follows with its arrival,
escapism.

escapism in all forms.
of the mental plane,
of the physical world,
of the spiritual realm.

he seeks other pursuits,
when he fails in endeavours.
he seeks to run, run, run,
and hide.

he is a jack of all trades,
master of none,
why, you might ask,
why?

the disappearing artist knows not how to be present,
of the here and now,
of the substantial.

to him, substance and being is but a fleeting memory,
something all too familiar he flees from.

flight is what he desires,
flight is what he undertakes,
flight is what he accomplishes,
then it happens.

the disappearing artist is flight.

and he departs from his growing dream,
naught to be seen.

2006-12-15T23:42:00.000+08:00

i have waited,
and i won't stop waiting.

not anytime soon.
not anytime soon.

i'll see this through,
if i can run in the rain until i'm about to drop,
i can do this.

don't ask me why i'll wait now.
i won't make sense.